For Jackie, part one.
Posted on August 22, 2011 at 04:54
I'm not a poet, I just want to apologize to you now for not being able to organize my thoughts in a neat way. I can't rhyme, nor do I even know the first thing about good writing or poetry. I'm also not a singer, nor a very good artist. The author of the Last Lecture? He mentioned that he was a preacher, so he preached. I'm an observer, so that's what I'll do. I'm just sorry this isn't written down in fairy tales or in Cosmos magazine, or anywhere else as being romantic.
I can't remember the exact dates anymore, but I still do remember when it was: a Friday, the Friday on the last TAKS week ever for me. I was talking to a group of people from what I remember, then you came up, and told me it was time for me to meet the guy you kept telling me you had a crush on. I was proud of you, but a little sad. I wanted you to move on from Solomon, he wasn't someone I wanted you to date again because of how manipulative and selfish he is. So even if there was a very slim chance that the guy you said you had a crush on was me, and that those chances were destroyed when you mentioned someone else's name and told me you were taking me to him, I was still happy that you were able to move on to someone else. Mostly bummed out, but still happy for you.
Then on our way there things started to not make sense; why would you take me to the guy that you like? Why was it so important for me, a friend but not a very close one, to meet your next future boyfriend? I started to get a little hope, maybe you wanted to tell me in private I was your crush.
That's when I learned to be optimistic.
We ended up on the side of the bandroom, right next to the very reflective huge windows. You pointed to the window, and told me "there he is." I turned around, and panicked. I saw my reflection, and got happy. I also have the tendency to assume things way too quickly and make very embarrassing mistakes because of it, so I had to make sure by assuming you meant to look inside the window. I got very close and shielded my eyes from the sunlight so I could see inside better, and asked you "I can't see anyone, where is he?" I had to make sure, as paranoid as I was. I was really self-conscious back then, so I didn't want to look like a moron right in front of a girl I had a crush on.
You told me it was me, and I was still in a panic mode so I didn't seem too overjoyed. I was though, hell yeah. Even back then I liked you a lot, and I wanted to move on too. From a bad relationship to a good one finally. I wanted to tell you there that that day was the start of something great.
But it wasn't, high school drama got in the way. I wasn't too enthusiastic about our relationship either when I found out Allyson still liked me. Because deep down I still liked her enough to want to leave whoever I was dating at the moment just to go with her.
I was a very inexperienced boy who didn't know what was good for him.
I tell you now that I would've wanted to stay with you instead of running back to asking Allyson out. But the truth is, that wouldn't have been for the better. I know that on my part, I wouldn't have wanted to be with you for a long time while having a gut "what if" feeling through the whole thing about someone else. I'm glad I eventually went back with her, you'd be surprised how many things I learned from that relationship that I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't suffered a little. I don't want to assume anything, but I also kind of got the feeling that you had that same "what if" feeling with Solomon too when he asked you to take you back. I don't blame you, we were both like that. I just love those four days because it gave us a preview of what a good relationship is, even if it was a short time. It gave me something to want. If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have thought that the relationship I had with Allyson was a good one because I managed to trick my head into forcing itself to being happy.
Or well, that's some of what I remember whenever I look at that adorable hairstyle of yours that you had your freshman year in that green ID.
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