Ah, sad to know that I've been awake for so long, and when I do finally have time to come home and sleep, I can't because I have so many things running through my head. I came home and all I could think about was how I was going to even attempt to talk to Bryanna again if I had just lost respect for her because she started to smoke.

But see, that's the thing. That's the reason why I haven't been able to hold down food this whole day. It all comes down to fear. I'm scared of so many things, because instead of focusing on bettering myself this whole month, I've mostly been drifting through it to wait it out and talk to Bryanna again. It's pathetic when I think about it.

But understandable honestly. In fact I'm surprised I'm taking it this maturely. I could have been so much worse.

At the price of not taking this worse though, I've brainfucked myself into being a scared kid.

I want to move on from this. But I also don't want to accept I've chickened out of not seeing Bryanna.

I think I just need a good night's rest. I'm just waiting for it though. Cause as insane and out of place as I get when I'm on no sleep, I did pretty okay today.

The lack of sleep I guess is making me depressed. But I feel awful. Doubtful. And I want to get rid of this feeling. All I can think of is just not trying to contact Bryanna again like I planned.

But here's the thing; worst case senario, you guys end up fighting. But I'll end the lunch early so that doesn't happen.

Here's something else I'm afraid of, trying again but remembering that we might fail again. I think it's too soon.

But if I don't do anything soon, she'll go to prom with that douchebag Solomon.

I think I should wait another week. And yeah, I will. I'm still feeling desperate. If I feel fine by monday, then yeah, everything will be fine and I can talk to her. But if not, then I'll just wait it out till the 9th. This way I'm stress free for damn sure.

Mint Royale - Rest Your Head isn't... what it implies. This favorite song of mine has been mislabled this whole time. So when I finally did look up the real "Rest Your Head," the song came out to be really depressing. Because it felt like it was talking to me. "I'm sorry for your wishes, your girl" and stuff like that. It was apologizing for things I lost. And it felt weird.

I'll trust the right thing will happen. If I end up with Bree or not. I really did like her a lot. But if she's just not going to be in my life anymore, then so be it.

I swear I've used the phrase "I'm going to kill someone" way too many times.

She's still following me around, to the point of it's pissing me off. So I'm just gonna stop giving her all the attention she wants and stay out of 64D. For a year. I'll come back on June 27th. Until then I really don't have a reason to be poking around there.

Without Bree in the picture, I can concentrate again. But if she's even around or I think of her my life falls appart again. She's a constant reminder of what I did. So she's out for good. Blocking her everywhere and not answering her if she texts me.

I'm starting to like Heather (edit: later "Meow-Meow") more and more, althrough really I shouldn't.

Earned 5 gold stars on Octopuses' Garden today, whoo! Still don't have a trophy though, that'll come later. Wait till Angel (edit: later “Jeremy”) finds out.

...

What kind of person in terms of romance will I become after this? a "hopeless romantic" that attracts damaged girls with a story of a damaged heart?

A heartless bastard that becomes completely arrogant and attracts as many girls with a gentle pinch of sinserity and kindness every now and again...

Or the brainless child I've been this whole time by falling hopelessly in love with girls that show interest in me, which aren't always the most sane ones because since I'm presenting myself as someone that gets in their way and not as attractive as I can be, not everyone that comes sniffing around is sane and without a sack of emotional baggage and not completely worth the trouble.

Meow-Meow's out of the question.

Will I still be able to hook up with Alyssa? The more and more I drink the more and more I start to look at her and see her as a partner. I know she probably has the biggest emotional baggage of them all, and more problems than a calculus book, but I like her because when I'm drunk, she takes care of me. She worries about me, and she's okay with answering all of the little kid questions I ask when I don't feel like keeping my mouth shut. (Why is it that Adrian doesn't shut up? Why are those two guys drinking themselves into a comma, are they sad with their life? Why is going after a pothead generally a bad idea?)

Probably not (getting with her) since I might not be the guy that snaches her up as soon as she breaks it up with Chuck. If I am, that's kind of cool. But even then, being a rebound relationship isn't fun. At all.

At first it was the sex I used to miss badly. Now it's the company. Now it's the actual person.

Then I realize that in order for me to grow, which is the smart thing to do (and I've chosen the path of logic in my life because it makes more sense than leading my life through feelings, which didn't feel right in the first place [haha, I'm so funny]), I need to stop thinking about Pounce as being another potential future partner. Truth is, she's probably never going to see me in a different light unless many, many years pass. And even then she might just use me again to get over her current crush. As fun as the sex is with someone that resents the person she used to love, I can no longer do that with her. I might be able to do it with another girl, one that I can tell myself I'll never care for. But honest to god Bryanna is the only person in the whole world right now that can fuck around with my mind so much. Having her around is dangerous.

...

Sadly the part that's supposed to describe everything in my mind right now didn't even cover 30% of it.

Here's my current status as of right now:

All of my posters have been ripped off, except for a single frame of them in black and white. Not my favorite, honestly the Sgt. Pepper's poster was my favorite, but all I can think about is that if I'm really going to let them go, they have to seem neutral in my book. Not overly colorful and full of life, but not completely gone either. I took off the Beatles because I've been listening to them a whole year non-stop. Yes, ever since I got with Pounce. And fact is a lot of my depression moments were brought up because of their music. In my head, Beatles = Pounce. So to keep them around means I'm not really moving on.

I'm naked (just out of the shower) typing this out as I should be reading my chapter for Biology tomorrow. I will in a bit when I'm done.

I'm on my way to go see Music Under the Stars, an event that happens in Chamizal Park every Sunday at 7 to see live music and be surrounded by a bunch of people. I go with the group, which consists of:

Skippy
Alyssa
Meow-Meow
Alyssa's Sister
Carlton
Matt

I can't really say I'm close to any of them.

I lost my close friends;

Jeremy
Spongebob
Patrick

(To the point where they went to me talking to them and seeing them constantly to rarely talking at all)

And some other good people

Ruby
Daniel
Esme
Alyx
Zach
Dino
Edgar

So to keep myself from not being a hermit (which is very close to happening due to my ridiculous schedule) I'm going out with these guys. Don't get me wrong, they can be pretty fun, but I'm not as close to them as I'm used to being close with friends. So it's weird to hang out with them on a regular basis. Feels different.

The Stars of Beatlemania were amazing. Had I seen them under a different light I would have called it the best show ever. But all that amazing show did was remind me that the Beatles are not my thing. They were Angel's. And the more I hung to that dream that I had developed in my head, well... things weren't pretty. So they played a huge part of my life basically (+one year of liking them and listening to them constantly to the point where I know every song), but they were not here to stay. Angel still doesn't know. We've lost something else that we have in common.

The way I act around Meow-Meow (complete disinterest) means she's kinda starting to like me a little. Too bad it's not too much of an act. I'm not interested. She reminds me of someone I know deeply and anyone that resembles her personality means red flag. Back when I was still unconsious I liked her "damaged-ness" but now all I can see is a hot girl.

Happened to Alyx. Hah, and to think we might have gotten along pretty well.

Consious living. It's nice to not let my past hold me back. Cause because it's full of mistakes it doesn't mean they will control how I am.

See, the cool thing about this is that all I write here is no longer in my head.

I look over these thoughts and all I think of is: waste of brainspace. Cause things that are really worth writing about aren't really mentioned here for the sake of them not seeming to be less exciting than they actually are (everything seems dull and boring if you write it down and it isn't overly exciting).

I am developing my own person. This is awesome. Hello good life choices. How I missed you.

(with a plastic soul)

I take coffee, swallow four pills (B-12, Fish Oil, Allegra, and L-Lycosine) every morning, watch something funny online to start out the day in a good mood, and style my hair to look like I actually use a brush to style it as opposed to just wake up and don't change my hairstyle from bedhead. I carry around an expensive watch/wallet, and most of my materials for school are very costy/high quaility. My notes are all in very readable cursive, so much that others don't tell me I have good handwriting, they tell me that I have *beautiful* handwriting. My backpack is organized. My car is clean. I go out of my house smelling like shower, Old Spice and freshly put on Degree deodorant with a combination of toothpaste and alcohol in my breath, and with all of this, I walk out of my house, thinking, I can rule the world.

…

My room has maintained six days of it being considered clean. I amaze myself sometimes.

I failed yet again to go to the doctor. I swear I probably won't go see what's wrong with me until a limb falls off.


…

It's funny cause people I know that are single think they're major experts in relationships and that the people that I know that are in relationships are stupid, meanwhile the people I know that are in relationships think they're experts in relationships and think that the people I know that are single are full of crap. So, who's right?

I am of course. Everyone's full of crap right now. No one within my age range really know what they're talking about and should shut the hell up. But they won't. And that's okay cause it gives me something else to laugh about in my head. It's kind of like when a little kid tries to explain to you *why* he/she likes the color purple. It's funny, and amusing, to see cause whatever the kid is telling you really *is* what is on their minds. Really, really on their minds. And just like when my friends are telling me how so and so is stupid cause x treats y like crap, I don't think, "wow this person is really up to something," I think, "AWW LOOK AT THE KID :D" They're thinking and that's adorable.

I project myself onto the way I describe my friends. What can I say.

Might as well tackle each thing as it comes right?

I already know the Beatles are the best. Now I'm out listening to more and more music to find out exactly *why* the Beatles are the best.

Yes, they're overrated.

There's some sort of logic as in *why* I obssess over some things. For example, a few years back I was really obssessed with Super Smash Bros. and everything to do with it that I went as far as knowing every single character in every single game and every single playstyle and every single character matchups and disadvantages on each stage and advanced techniques such as wavedashing and every single style of play. I know Smash backwards and forwards because of this. Is this a useless skill?

No.

To others, it might be. But for like three years (yes, this is roughly when I started to like it, which is also when I started to date Ami) I played Smash at least a few times every month. I encourged challangers and learned from my defeats. I didn't see it as a party game, I saw it as a competitive game (which pissed off anyone that came to play with me for fun, without obssession-like skill the game becomes too boring for me), and naturally, wanted to become the best at it.

I never really did. The only jackass from around here, Dex, that also was as competitive as I am, stopped playing me when he saw I could start beating him. And after that one last match where we were avoiding my Snake's granedes and his Toon Link's bombs (not like they could kill me but he was desperate for one of them to intercept one of my grenades and have it blow up in my face) at 180 something percent on our last stock, he didn't give me a reason but "I already beat you" and walked away never to play me again. Had he been honest I wouldn't have remembered him as such a jackass (honest as in, "hey dude that was close" or anything that remotely resembled the fact that he was not so afraid of losing)

Years before that, my obsession was Pokemon. Sapphire. Hoenn was my home, and I completed the 200 species Pokedex with a little help from my friends. One of my rivals, Link, was a master at this. Spent all night every night raising each of his carefully picked out Pokemon to level 100 which meant he had an army (boxes full) of level 100 Pokemon ready to take on any unoriginal combination of my 12 level 100s. He outgunned me and was never going to stop because... I actually don't know why he spent all that time raising all those level 100s. He still has a lot of them to this day actually, on his HeartGold. I beat him in one out of 15 matches, and mostly because I was depending on luck. ("Come on Gengar, put him to sleep... YES! GO DREAM EAT THAT BITCH")

I did eventually beat Link. I started playing it again for lulz and giggles two years back, and crushed him with my Smogon team. Over and over. Then eventually that got boring (plus he was getting pissed) so I made my *own* team to specifically counter any of his preferred strategies, like his 6 team sweepers, such as my beloved Skarmory who's defense was so high Machamp couldn't touch this bird. That was my comeback. Obsession over.

Smash Brothers, how did that obsession end? Lack of interest from literally *everyone* around me. People were sick of me being unbeatable. It wasn't fun. It wasn't fun for me either to not have a worthy (not cowardlike like Dex) opponent, so I dropped it.

These obsessions are not something that are commonly found in others. Because my obsessions led me to be good at those subjects. Which is superior in my opinion than to be mediocre on a vast majority of subjects.

My obsession with the Beatles came from me listening to me more and more frequently as I was dating Pounce. Each song starting developing memories, cause it was good music. It wasn't music that put me to sleep or made me want to go take a tylenol from the headache I got by listening to my usual metal. It was catchy, memorable, and romantic.

So of course, as she left, and I tried to keep them, hell broke loose over and over in my head. For No One, You've Got to Hide That Love Away, Penny Lane, You're Gonna Loose That Girl, Girl, Think For Yourself, Twist And Shout, Anna, I Saw Her Standing There, Misery, Taste of Honey, Don't Let Me Down, Tomorrow Never Knows, Got To Get You Into My Life, Love You Too, She Said She Said, Eleanor Rigby, Do You Want to Know a Secret, Chains, I'll Get You, This Boy, Real Love, Grow Old With Me, Golden Slumbers, Hey Jude, Magical Mystery Tour, Flying, The Fool on the Hill, Your Mother Should Know, Blue Jay Way, Blackbird, The Long and Winding Road, Two of Us, Across The Universe, I've Just Seen a Face, Ticket To Ride, You Like Me Too Much, I Need You, The Night Before, Help!, What You're Doing, Eight Days a Week, Baby's In Black, I'm A Loser, No Reply, The Ballad of John and Yoko, Old Brown Shoe, I Want You, Happiness is a Warm Gun, Good Day Sunshine, Norwegian Wood, You Won't See Me, I'm Looking Through You, Wait, If I Needed Someone, Run For Your Life, When I'm Sixty-Four, Lovely Rita, Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, Bungalow Bill, Martha My Dear, I'm So Tired, Piggies, Don't Pass Me By, Rocky Raccoon, I Will, Julia, Mother Nature's Sun, Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey, Sexy Sadie, Helter Skelter, Honey Pie, Cry Baby Cry, It Won't Be Long, All I've Got To Do, Ask Me Why, Love Me Do, All My Loving, Till There Was You, Hold Me Tight, You've Really Got a Hold On Me, I Wanna Be Your Man, Not a Second Chance, Devil In Her Heart, Yellow Submarine, All Together Now, Hey Bulldog, Nowhere Man, Drive My Car, We Can Work It Out, Day Tripper.

A big chunck of my Beatles Library. They had to go. Fuck me for letting myself link these songs to memories. I miss listening to them.

Hmm, if I had to dedicate one song to her, one Beatles song (might as well, she played a huge part on me liking them...)

No, not Day Tripper
Not Ballad of John and Yoko
Not Old Brown Shoe
Not Two of Us, I Will, We Can Work It Out, This Boy, The Night Before, Norwegian Wood, or Wait.

Argh, I'd hate to give away one of my favorite songs, but,

[snip]

The only one that makes sense.

And she'll never know which song I picked for her. Haha, oh well.

...

"And then I saw her face, now I'm a believer, not a trace, of doubt in my mind..."

Amber looks as adorable as ever. She no longer works at my Sam's Club. This is honestly more than a bummer.

I can't hit on Meow-Meow properly. I have an idea why, but I really shouldn't bother since I only think she's cute. I haven't hung around with her much to know if I enjoy her company though. I'll give it a chance if it comes.

I keep getting more and more tempted to tell Alyssa she looks pretty. Cause I doubt she'll take it the wrong way.

And the possiblity of me gaining a normal loving girlfriend between now and when I go to NMSU: 0%.

But I'm okay with that. I shouldn't be looking or expecting anything anyway. I'm not gonna overwork myself like some idiots I know *just* to get a partner. [...]

...

My main problem has been denial. Only up to a few days ago have I been a productive member of our household. When my parents divorced, I kept denying that I had a problem with it telling them it was alright. Truth is, I wasn't that bad off before the split. I was just weird and no one talked to me because of it, hence my (then) retarded social skills. Not to mention my parents were young when they had me and had no clue on how to raise me properly and kind of just gave me a roof over my head, spoiled me with toys, and gave me food. They kept me alive and well and I'm very grateful for that. They just didn't teach me things that are common sense like manners, how to not be retarded around other people, taking care of myself, or taught me anything in terms of school or sports or hobbies.

I was 11 when they split up. Since then I've never really had anyone to go to with my problems or questions when they started arising. When I was a kid, sure, I could ask questions but they would shrug it off or explained it to me like I was dumber than they were and got offended and stopped listening (important lesson I learned here; don't treat kids like they're dumber than you. They're not. They're learning. Hence why I treat every kid exactly the way I would treat an elder, with respect and on my best behaviour). So when they split up I didn't even have *that*

Since I was thrown into high school with literally nothing in my head except for knowledge of the whole System of a Down discography and GML, I wasn't very popular then. Or social. Hence why my english never developed completely well as I didn't practice it as much as people thought I did. I stuck around with spanish speaking people.

I've always used my past as an excuse for my current faults.

"I've been horrible to my family"
"I've been a horrible role model for my brother/sister"
"My mom loves me for all the wrong reasons"
"My father had to leave and I couldn't stop him"
"My family will never see me in a different light"
"I don't know where my problems are coming from"

It wasn't until I admitted that the split between my parents might have caused most of my problems was I able to feel free.

...
My mind's growing tired. I've been neglecting myself to try and look out for her. And I did. But I failed. And that's okay because I learn too.

It hurts. A lot. Cause I know this is permanent. And I know I won't have that constant stream of acceptance that I once had. Now I have to work a lot harder for it. And I'm afraid that the gaps in between in which I get praise will be too long and I won't get noticed for them and loose motivation.

…

In order for me to be orderly I must remove all disorder. Disorder was exposed to me by Pounce. I thank her for that. She also applied pain to me when I needed to see it by seeing her rebel against me. These steps I was sure I needed.

…

Yeah, I'm still pretty neurotic. But that's what I'm going to fix. Now I know how.