Musings and ramblings
Posted on April 05, 2009 at 23:03
I want to live. Sometimes life seems boring. I started to feel this way occasionally when I was about twelve. I remember thinking that poetry and music were exaggerated reflections on life. I recently heard a quote that was something along the lines of, "symbols are more meaningful than the things they represent" and it's sort of like that. I also try to think a lot about the psychology behind things. I try to look at things from every possible perspective, at least in words if not in heart.
But sometimes I worry that if I lose my detached perspective and get caught up in the moment and just try to have fun, I will lose my objectivity and will not have the ability in future to think originally.
I also feel that way about my religion. Part of me wants to surrender to Christ, but part of me sees the flaws in logic and examines my real motives behind it. Do I just want to please the Christians I admire? Is it just because I was raised Christian and feel it's the right thing to do? I still consider myself a Christian, albeit a "Christian Agnostic", basically a heretic. I still pray and read my bible out of habit. It is ingrained into my conscience. However I find myself wavering when I am in different situations. I have questions which could challenge peoples faith. I don't want to tear others down any more for the sake of boosting my own ego by making myself feel smart.
Science, mathematics, and language, mentally wrapping our man-made definitions around objects and systems. Is science and logic infallible? Real science and logic is. But I find myself wondering if we will someday discover something which changes everything. In the past, some people thought that everything which was to be discovered already had been. What if we discover something amazing? What if we discover something we believe now is complete BS? There are possibilities. I mean, I'm sure if we discovered something truly amazing and completely unique which could not be explained my science as we know it, it could be explained somehow later on.. I don't know what my point is actually. I suppose I have been more open to different things lately. It is absurd that we even exist. What else is possible? I read about a talking donkey in the bible. It is ridiculous and illogical, but I was thinking "why not?!" Amazing. My mind can't fathom it. For all we know, we could be some cruel alien experiment. With or without God, our existence is absurd. Perhaps some discoveries are not possible to explain in our human languages, maybe we're unable to transcend to a higher level of thought. I started to be interested in lojban, because of that, I found out about the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis: "the structure of a language constrains the thinking of people using that language." Probably true.
I was thinking of just writing my thoughts down, then going and having fun, just having a remnant of that period of my life from when I had no life. All that really matters is how we living creatures feel. If the world was in ruins and we were going to die and believed lies but every conscious being was positively happy, then good. But I still want to know things. Even if I won't care in the future, I care now, but why? What will I miss out on? I won't be completely stupid, I will just be different to what I perceived my "true" self as being. It's not like I will miss out on discovering or making something amazing. I am confused. Some people are not caught up in this searching for meaning thing, they just live, good for them. They're not stupid, in fact they are probably smarter than me in lots of ways. But maybe I have high standards for myself.
Dev - Stricter rating rules. Prevent user from rating again