Malaise

Posted by Crazy Star on Oct. 18, 2020, 1:28 p.m.

I used to work myself maximally ; down to the last damn drop of oxygen before I passed out only to proceed on the next day. I didn't care if it was night or day. Bathroom breaks or meals were a burdening pestilence.

When others were out being alive or home playing games or whatever I coded. Websites at first, but then Blitz Basic, Java, Gamemaker, whatever. I never finished anything. I just worked and worked and worked and WORKED. I was obsessed trying to escape from reality and hid away inside the computer rectangle whenever I could.

Education was only an excuse to drop out because I didn't want to work. I'd rather die or join the military and kill everyone else in the platoon. Friends weren't easy and the girls ran away scared.

Then I worked some more without working. Coding my impossible projects. Massive. As hard and taxing and unrewarding as possible. Infinite workload. And for what? Nothing.

And now I can't work anymore. The mere thought gives me PTSD like flashbacks of sitting isolated alone incapable of anything else. Gloomy and foreboding. Cold bleak and blue.

I can't do any of it. I want to. I think about it everyday. Always ashamed. Always stressed and unhappy. Frustrated irritable angry and unpleasant. I'm a piece of shit person and everything in my life is broken. I'm 34 and I got fucking laundry lying piled up on the floor and the dishes I'm even sure how to get rid of.

My life is centered around leaving my apartment so I don't go too crazily depressed but crazily overstimulated confused and random instead. It's been like this for ages and there's just no end to it. I'm incapable of being a person. I'm weird and cannot relate and I have no one and other people are all normal and have no idea how to react on me. Not that I give them the chance.

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Comments

Crazy Star 2 months, 3 weeks ago

ludamad 2 months, 2 weeks ago

Not to belie the situation, but definitely textbook burnout over the span of years. I know what it's like to leave massive multiyear projects behind and be like "welp, that's what happens if you do everything that *could* be done". I still pick at massive projects but try to do more jams, and have one decent scope game I'm neglecting.

"Then I worked some more without working. Coding my impossible projects. Massive. As hard and taxing and unrewarding as possible. Infinite workload. And for what? Nothing."

It wasn't really for nothing and I'm sure you agree. You just tapped out your ability to validate yourself. We all do this desperate clinging when that happens. The lucky immediately get feedback from others and avoid a crisis they didn't even know was brewing. Still, those people crash too, all it takes is people not to be around and generally an identify crisis / imposter syndrome can flood *anyone*.

The only thing you can do is see it coming and make sure you are ready for the drop. Get a cleaning person to come and utilize the dread of going back to such an environment to just use one dish for a while and keep a clean home. Diversify what is driving you.

I think the best way to view your situation is like the person ignoring the homework in a certain subject completely. At first, hanging out with kids at school is just *not worth it*. Really, it's not the beginner's course for dealing with people though, it's intermediate (and sometimes in highshool, expert mode). Kids are shits. Problem then is, people in later life that do have this experience take a very specific brand of social grit/accepted behaviour for granted. People are impatient bastards is the big thing with making friends as a recluse, and not being used to being around people you tend to do subtle cultural faux pas a lot. Fitting into society's mold takes a lot of *practice and energy* and seems like the most unrewarding shit until you make casual conversation in a coffee shop and are left feeling… not drained or insecure.