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...California Living
Posted on October 23, 2017 at 19:38

Unnecessary post but I feel the need to update since its a rare occasion for me to use facebook where some of us keep in touch.

I moved to California in June after barely surviving drama in Alaska. I have family here and they essentially took me in. My own family in Canada was upset that I had chosen to stay in America and my mother is furious. She called me for the first time in five months two weeks ago and asked, "I was just wondering what your plans are... oh, you're staying there? Okay. Fine. GOODBYE." and hung up.

My father and I haven't spoken since father's day and even that was a ten minute phone call. I suppose their mentality (and to a degree, my own) is "out of sight, out of mind." I haven't seen them in two years and I miss my brother.

I actually have a lot of family in California but no one really cares about each other. The aunt and cousins I'm living with are the only people who try to put in effort, hence why I'm here and not back in Canada.

Life here has been okay. I'm surviving. If you're ever in the central valley, let me know!

...Sell Out
Posted on March 11, 2013 at 19:25

Hi, I'm Ronnica.
*waits for the generic AA meeting "Hi, Ronnica."

So what's new? Nothing much going on over here. Sort of the reason why there is a massive lack of blogs or just activity from my end. Happy five years to me, huh? =P

As you can tell, I'm definitely not an artist but who cares, I couldn't resist playing with Paint. Cut and paste are my favorite tools.

Speaking of cutting and pasting, my brother's friends from high school decided to be DJs of some sort and entered a contest to win a thousand dollars. They are in third place so far and it would be really great to see them succeed with your help!

(Now that I'm finished advertising)
OH! I wanted to say a special welcome to abbeyminor! Congrats on the new baby and the new membership =P I personally enjoy reading mommy-blogs so if you end up writing some, I'l definitely read. I figure the more I learn, the more I'll realize I shouldn't reproduce, and that'll make the world a better place <3


...Can you keep a secret?
Posted on December 22, 2012 at 20:05

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess who lived in a big castle. Despite having everything she could ever want, there was something she didn't have that she felt she needed. She just wasn't sure what it was.

One night, she stood on her balcony staring up at the stars. "Whatever fills this void in my heart, must be up there..."

"Or, it's down here!" said a voice from below.

The princess was startled, and turned to go back inside her castle.

"Don't go!" said the voice.

She stopped and turned back to the balcony. "W-Who is it? Who's there!"

A handsome faced, well built man had climbed up the vines to the balcony. He was dressed nicely, and he wore a crown.

"T'is I, a Prince!" he said to her. He explained how he was from a castle from far away and was searching the earth for his true love. He admitted to falling in love with her at first sight, and how he was convinced that she must be the one for him.

His words made her heart flutter and her head cloud with joyous thoughts. She too became convinced that they were meant to be together. So, she invited him up to her room.

That night was the most romantic night of her life. They went from talking to whispering sweet words, to kissing, to making love! A night she would never forget. And as the moon set and the sun rose, they fell asleep in each others arms...

But the next morning, the princess awoke alone in her bed. Had it all been a dream? It couldn't have been! She was still quite sore from their love making.

Days and nights had passed and the princess's heart started breaking from the loneliness. Her mind was confused weather or not she had really met a prince, or if he was real. She couldn't think of anything else but that one night. The confusion started making her sick to the point where she threw up every morning. She began eating foods she didn't really care for before. She noticed her dress size going up and how her belly began to protrude.

Eventually she felt she was going insane! The butterflies she felt in the past were now knocking around in her tummy, as if they were trying to get out. What kind of witch's spell was this?!

After months of her body's changes, she felt she couldn't take it any longer! Just as she was getting into bed one night after a day of pain, her gut relaxed and she felt that she had soiled herself by accident. What had just come out of her? After hours of pushing and feeling something leave her body, she was left with baby doused with blood and fluids.

She stayed up all night cleaning the child and calming his small cries. How did this occur? What kind of wizard's trick was this? She stood on the balcony holding her baby, watching the sun rise. Still a little confused, and still lost in her mind, she searched for that feeling. For that void.
She couldn't find it.
The void was gone.


...Story Time 3
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 00:14

He rolled onto his back and exhaled slowly. The heat from the fire warming the side of his head, he blinked slowly trying to focus. She was leaning over above him, smiling softly but her eyes were fogged with worry. He reached up and touched her face, remembering the feel of her skin. They were lost in a moment until he felt little wet droplets fall on him.

He wiped them off of his face, realizing the texture was odd. He looked at his hand. It was stained. Red. He looked at her, confused. Her smile faded. “Oh god, Princess. What did you do?”

She bit her lip delicately and looked towards the flames. He followed her gaze as he sat up. Their vehicle was on its back, burning to its bare metal. His jaw dropped. The sound of the fire flickering, the reek of burning tires, and shattered glass on the pavement… how the hell did he survive?

He looked back to her and saw she had small cuts on her face from the glass. Her brown bangs were stained red and streaks of blood dripped down her neck. He looked down at himself. Clothes torn and singed, his hands were peeled by broken glass.

Adrenaline started to kick in. He pushed her away as he stood up quickly, wincing at the pain in his body. He stood facing the car, looking up and down the road should other drivers see them. He turned to her, “Where the hell is she?!” he demanded to know. “For the love of god, Princess, what did you do?! What did you fucking do!”
He forcibly pulled her up to stand and look him in the eyes.

She whimpered before answering in a shaky voice, “She had a gun. She was going to turn us in and make off with everything! I swear, I was only thinking of us!” He punched her across her face, staining her skin with his bloody knuckles. She fell to the ground, crying but not making a sound.

He covered his eyes with his palms, facing the dark sky. Taking a few deep breaths, he ran his fingers through his hair roughly. She got back up, her face swelling. He glared at her, “She was our ticket out of here!”

Princess shook her head, “No, the money was going to save us, not her. She couldn't do anything for us!”

“Then what did you do to her?!”

Silence. But in the silence, he started noticing an odd smell coming from the car.

“I just…”

“Left her in there?”

She nodded, and then walked a few paces to the bushes, reaching through twigs and thorns to reveal a briefcase.

He couldn't believe his eyes. “Princess, I’m-“

“It’s fine. Let’s just get moving.” She said, tossing him the briefcase.

=] Confused? Just some light writing I wanted to do. Not exactly in the direction I was aiming for, but whatever helps get out of a writers block.


Posted on November 24, 2012 at 03:23

For the trillionth and one time, I can't wait to be free. I wanna forget all the mistakes I made, all the consequences. All the people that entered my life without wiping their shoes. All the blood I wish I could shed instead of tears.

How dare they take away pieces of my soul. How fucking dare they feast on my self respect. They are dangerous to my life. But one day I will be poison in theirs.

...Wisdom Theet
Posted on October 12, 2012 at 18:20

Uh oh, two blogs on the front page! Getting crazy with my blogging ability! Somebody stop me- ouch, face.

Okay so I'm just waking up from a nap, feeling A-OK. Had my wisdom teeth removed this morning. About 8 hours ago from this blog post. I think.

The whole deal with my wisdom teeth, is that they are were impacted. What this is means is they were not fully out of my gums. I had to go to an oral surgeon. During the consultation he explained to me what they do in the case of impacted wisdom teeth. Let me share that information and my experience with you.

So they hooked me up to an intravenous, and stick heart monitors on me (two on my upper chest, one on my lower left side). Then they injected what I assumed was the anesthesia stuff or whatever in the IV. I remember the surgeon saying, "This is the stuff that's gonna make you sleepy, but it wont knock you out right away."
Honestly, a minute later I was OUT.

While I was asleep, the oral surgeon and his assistant went to work. How they kept my mouth open, I will never know. Anyways, to remove impacted wisdom teeth, they make an incision in my gum line from in front of the wisdom tooth to the back of it (essentially the back of my mouth), they proceed to pull that flap down to reveal the rest of the tooth. They crack that tooth in half, and pull it out piece by piece. They do it for all the wisdom teeth.

The dangers of impacted wisdom teeth are that if the tooth is still too far into the gums, breaking them can cause nerve damage that will leave your chin and bottom lip numb forever. So I have to wait until tomorrow for the numbness to wear off and if it doesn't, I'll know something went wrong.

As for waking up, I felt myself sort of be aware that I was sleeping, and opened my eyes. There was no one in the room. I had an ugly blanket on me. I tried focusing my eyes on the window but I still felt kinda sleepy so I shut my eyes, and opened them several times. Finally I tried moving and it kinda woke me up. The doctor's nurse-assistant-oral-hygienist came in and was like, "Oh! How are you feeling?" I said I felt okay and that's when I could feel my entire bottom jaw was just numbed out to hell. Good thing too, I suppose. She got me my sweatshirt and helped me off the chair. It was felt like that one time I got drunk, and the room was moving and I was trying to walk straight, but it didn't really happen. It also didn't feel as happy.

They handed me over to my husband then we walked got to the car. I sat in the front seat and pulled the visor down to look in the mirror at my face. My mascara had smudged onto my cheeks as if my eyes had been watering. My bottom lip is all puffy. I opened my mouth in the mirror and could see there was still blood all over my tongue and teeth. I noticed there was blood on my T-shirt too. I kept my mouth shut until we got home where I rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. There was quite a bit of blood. For obvious reasons. But still, lots.

Anyways, still laying in bed from my nap. I'm feeling sleepy again. I hope when I wake up and check back in, everyone will have silly stories for me to cheer me up. I love derailed comments. But not always.

Off to chew on more gauze.


Posted on October 09, 2012 at 18:27

Hi everybody!

So this is slightly random, doesn't really have a point to it. It’s one of those things that have happened but I’m only just realizing that it bothers me. Again, it’s random, and I really hope that I don’t offend someone.

Yesterday I was teaching ESL and only one student came. His name is Pedro and he’s like 60-something. He’s originally from Nicaragua, been in Alaska for 20 years, wants to improve his English because he’s also a church pastor and wants to be able to share the word of God with more English speaking people.

Anyways, he was telling me a story (as best as he could in English) about his last missions trip to Nicaragua. While he was there, he explained to me that a 10 year old boy asked, “So you’re from Alaska? Does that mean you speak English?” and then they proceeded to talk for a while. Turns out the kid was born and raised in California, but ended up in Nicaragua because his parents were deported.

That doesn't really bother me. That happens A LOT in America and yes, it sucks and immigration laws should be different and whatever. I’m not into politics so that isn’t what I’m bitching about. What seems to bother me and make me think is that he then tells me, “I’m a big part of my church’s ‘program’ against abortion.” And then compares deporting an American-born child to his parents’ native country to abortion. “Either way, it’s just getting rid of children.”

…I disagree. Relocation of a person (as unjust as it seems) and a medical procedure (as unjust as it seems) appear very different to me. I don’t feel it’s a fair to compare the two. Only I wasn't sure how to explain that to Pedro without offending him.

Another thing that comes to mind is when I was 15 and living close to Vancouver. We had a church youth meeting and the topic was something like “Being able to defend God’s plans,” which required us to come up with topics like Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Cloning, Gay Marriage, and write out Bible verses that “proved” why all those things were against God’s will so people couldn’t “shake our faith.” My brother and I were among the most unenthusiastic ‘youth’ there.

What that has to do with aborting/deporting American-born kids I don’t know. I think my brain just compares it all to how in my opinion, the church (or the churches I've gone to, who knows, it’s probably just me) dramatizes everything and makes it the world sound worse than it really is. Woman gets raped, can’t raise the child so terminates her pregnancy. American born child is deported with his family because his non-citizen parents are not allowed to be in America. “OMG HOW EVIL THEY’RE ALL GOING TO HELL!!!!!!”

I don’t know if that’s an appropriate response, but that’s how Pedro feels. I also assume he’s not the only one. It’s just… it doesn't sound right. To me, at least.
ANYWAYS, I hope y’all are doing alright. I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed early on the 12th. Wish me luck. Or pray for me =P


Posted on October 07, 2012 at 21:41

Are you my 60,000th hit?

...Late Night, Early Morning Reading
Posted on September 04, 2012 at 03:10

“Dude, your clothes are way too tight on me.” I bitched.

“V, you look fine. And hurry up! This place is awesome. I haven’t seen you in five years and it’s not every night I get to rock out with my best friend, so let’s go!”

Yeah, Sass and I have known each other for a while. Sometimes I think for too long. She walked up ahead with her guitar on her back while I hauled her amp down the alley to the backdoor to the club. Sass never misses an ‘open mic’ night in this town.
They had us set up and gave us our number. We were up third out of seven groups. The sun started to set and the club began to fill with people. I started to get nervous. I never sing in public. Sass convinced me by saying, “It’s not like you’ll ever see them again.”

After a girl group, a “Weird Al” impersonator, and two tequila shots, Sass and I took the stage. She took her guitar pick out of her mouth, “Hey, what’s up people? I’m Sass and this is my friend V. We’ve been friends since we were kids and this is her one time in this town, MY town, so we wanna rock out with you!”

The crowd cheered. Sass upped the volume on her guitar and began playing Sweet Child O’ Mine and the crowd cheered louder. She was no Slash and we didn’t sound like Axel, but the crowd didn’t seem to care. I couldn’t help but smile.

“She’s got eyes of the bluest skies/ As if they thought of rain” and someone caught my attention, and I seemed to catch his. Damn. Smile faded.

“I hate to look into those eyes/ And see an ounce of pain” Watched him drink a shot awfully quick.

We wrapped up the song and got a mighty applause, but I couldn’t wait to leave. Getting off the stage I tugged on Sass’s arm to follow me into the bathroom. “Don’t you feel like a rock star?!” she asked, all enthusiastically.

“Not really. I saw Asher out there.” I told her.

“Oh, shit… But we can’t leave, V! After everyone else performs, they get the best group to do an encore. I think we have a shot! We have to stay! Just… avoid him.”

“Avoid him? It’s fucking high school all over again.”

“It doesn’t have to be! Your little ‘break up’ was mutual, wasn’t it? Hell, you weren’t even dating!”

“I know, but it’s just weird to be around him after everything…”

“V, all I know is that after high school, you got swallowed up by work and disappeared for five years. You get stabbed, lose your kid, and end up travelling here. Who the hell cares if you see someone you knew? You’re a rock star tonight! Now, let’s get a drink. I know a lot of guys are willing to buy.” She winked at me and walked out.

I took a deep breath (eww, bathroom air), and looked at myself in the mirror. Heavy eye make-up, pulled back hair and Sass’s clothes to match Sass’s rock and roll sound. Yeah, I felt like a rock star.

Walked out of the bathroom and walked over to the bar. The group up wasn’t too bad and had the audience on the dance floor. Almost reached the bar unscathed, until ‘Mr. Memory Lane’ walked up to me, drink in hand.

“Uh, hey V. Got you a drink.”

“Hi… uh, no thanks.”

“More for me then.” He drank it down awfully fast. I looked around for Sass but she was chatting up some guys. Typical.

“Well, it’s been nice seeing you Asher, but I gotta get over to-“

“Wait, wait. Look, I just wanted to say sorry for… everything back then.”

“Heh, none of it was your fault.”

“Yeah, actually, a lot of it was. I just… Can we go outside and maybe talk?” Ugh.

“Sure…” We went outside. It was warm out, and reeked of people smoking. We found a table on the club patio further away from people. Asher signaled to the server to bring us drinks.

“Anyways, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Saw the news about Kay committing suicide. They said he attacked his girlfriend and caused her to miscarry their child. They never used your name, but I saw Sass in town a few days later and we got to talking. I told her I was wanting to apologize and she said you’d be coming to town.” The lady brought our drinks.

“Well that’s awfully nice, Ash. But I’ve had enough to drink.”

“Well then, even more for me.” He drank it down. “So I came down here to the club to see you. Watching you perform was an added bonus.”

“You’re drunk.”

He laughed. “I may be, but that doesn’t make me any less sorry for being a jerk in school. Especially when you needed me the most.”

“It wasn’t just you. It was anyone.”

“I’m still sorry for not being around.” He looked me in the eyes, waiting for me to search my soul with an answer.

It took me a good minute before replying, “It’s okay. It was my choice too. Thanks for saying something.” I smiled at him, and he smiled back.

“Aw hell! This deserves a drink! What do you say, V?”

“Make mine a bellini.”

...That butterfly in your stomach, that ache in my heart
Posted on August 05, 2012 at 19:11

That strange feeling you get when you can’t make sense of what is real, and can only understand what is going on in your head...

For the first time in several months, I’m in one of my moods. Carving an X in my arm, punching the plastic blinds on my bedroom window until they cut my knuckles just so the blood can run up my arm and stain the sleeves of my shirt. I’m awfully tempted to start cutting up my face. I’ve always known I wasn’t gorgeous or beautiful but I always thought I was at least kind of cute. I don’t think I’m cute anymore. I’ve lost all sense of being vain. That’s all I had in life.

I never had a brain. So what if I have some street smarts? I don’t live on the streets. What good is it to me? Who cares if I have an idea once in a while? Ideas never got me a job to put food on the table. They said I can be cold and emotionless “like a robot.” I wish I could be a robot. Not knowing what is good or bad, beautiful or ugly. Just serving one purpose- to exist.

But what if I don’t want to exist anymore? What am I now?

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