My first story post.... The solar winds

Posted by Littlebear on May 16, 2016, 1:07 a.m.

So I have posted only game related things since I came to this site but like most of you I don't do just games I like writing allot a well, for this reason I now wish to post a little something I've been working on. But before I do here's some info on it, I like technical sifi stories and this is only a very short bit of the story that I would like to share so long.. Ok ok here it is.

The Solar Winds

Epilog: Edward

"You know this isn't going to work out well" Ardos whisper came from behind, Edward knew the likelihood of his plan working was slim to none but he had to try, "I'm open to any better plan that won't get us killed" he replied in a low constricted voice. The thin hiss of air came from the door as it slid open, Edward pulling his upper body from the maintenence panel in the wall and turned to the door.

His hand sliding down to his lower back and his palm softly restting on the bud of his Vector 9mm, 'Funny how people still clung to the old naming conventions for guns even though the round was now a solid tungsten round proppelled to rougly seven times the speed of sound by a magnet powered by a carbon super capasitor'. The bright light flooding through the doorway blinding them for a second, as thier eyes adjusted to the light thier prize came into view.

There in the middle of the room stood the medical transport vat used to transfer high risk patients, Edward slowly walking up to the view window a face came into view. A young red haired woman with ligt freckles dotting her cheeks, a single thin scar atop her left cheek.

"Lets get her to the transport" Edward muttered not taking his eyes of the young woman. Ardo disapearing through the doorway without a sound, Edward looking at his wrist watch. The count down hitting the twelve minute mark, as the count down timer hit the eleventh minute Ardo returned with the trolly. As the medical vat was lowered onto the simple hover troly the clasps on the bottom locking into place.

Walking behind the Medi Vat secured to the hover troly they made thier way to the loading bay the count down timer standing on nine minutes. Turning the the last corner a shout to stop from behind made cold shivers run up Edwards spine, looking back two security guards where making thier way towards them at a brisk pace.

"We don't have any one on the schedule to be moved today" the slender security guard said in a flat tone while shifting his weight from side to side tapping at his tablet. "Scan the vat" the other guard said while pulling out his anti riot gun and taking a step back from them, "Let's see those hands guys" he continued in a seeming calm voice. Edward heard the whisper of fear behind his command, the years of training for ops like this weeded out those with the same fear as this guy was showing.

Edward and Ardo complied slowly lifting thier hands away and upward from thier sides, both men sharing a glance of understanding that the whole plan may just have become one giant shit storm. Edward started mentally calculating the distances from himself to the closest guard and setting the appropriate release of his military adrinal implants.

The other guard approached the Medi Vat, taped out the vat ID code and established a remote conection to it. Unbeknownst to the guard he had just given the virus access to the private network the base was running, as the data was loaded from the network the virus was already hard at work changing the outputted data. At the same time the virus was creating sevral back doors into the system al the while stealing data as it went through the system.

A flash of irritation went over the guards face as his tablet seem to slow down from network lag, "Ok, S. Williams, Female, transport date set for today." the guard said. A scowl comming over the guards face, "This is why I hate the lab guys, they just update the transport schedule without feeling the need to let anyone know. Ok Jef thier good to go".

The guard holstered his stun gun and while looking at the other guard motioned for them to leave, as they turned a low beeping sound stated to eminate from Ewards watch. The count down timer had reached zero, the hacker they had hired a few weeks ago could only keep the face recognition software busy until the systems forced reboot.

As the system rebooted it ran through all the faces in the base one by one, as it loaded Edward and Ardos faces and compared it to the faces in the local database no match could be found. A simple intruder alert message was sent from the server to the security guards closest to the threat to be dealt with. As the message arrived on the guards tablets red lights and an intruder alert alarm triggering.

The calmness drifted over Edward as he released the artificial adrinalin, cold calculation taking over as time slowed to a crawl. The guards face rising up from the tablet, recognition and the fear flashing over his face. The muscles in Edwards legs growing to the size of a body builders and burning twice as much oxygen as a hundred meter sprinter would in one run.

In an instant Edward cleared the distance between him and the guards, his arms already grasping the one guards arm in a break hold. As the sound of the firts guards arm snapping was still being processed by the other guards brain Edward had moved behind him, a flat palm striking behind the head cuasing him to pass out prommising a concusion and massive headache when he woke up.

The one guard lying on the floor passed out and the other in a massive amount of pain grasping his arm. "Lets go before this crap wears off, I don't have the drugs with me to take the edge off the crash" Edward said as he could feel his body already heating up. The implants where the only thing the military couldn't take away from him after his dismissal from the Core. He had to stop taking the gland suppressors weeks before when he stared planning this rescue mission. Without the 'crash' meds he knew there would be some nerve damage left and if he kept using it without the meds he knew he would end up a vegetable or dead but he had to take this his only chance.

Edward got into position behind the med vat transport and started pushing, Ardos pulling from the front making their way to the hanger as bay door as quickly as the could. Entering the hanger bay door they where welcomed back by the sight of a dark brown small transport 'hopper' made for only short trips between ship and planet side.

Ok that's it for today, let me know what you think, does it suck or is it something to continue with.

Comments

F1ak3r 7 years, 10 months ago

I definitely think this shows promise and you should continue. You've got a brief, punchy intro that shows a clear imagineable action scene. It doesn't explain too much, but introduces your characters and sets up questions for later.

Quote:
Vector 9mm, 'Funny how people still clung to the old naming conventions for guns even though the round was now a solid tungsten round proppelled to rougly seven times the speed of sound by a magnet powered by a carbon super capasitor'.
This seems a bit heavy handed and kinda takes me out of the story. I'm sure there's a more subtle way of getting this exposition across somewhere.

You need to work on presentation a bit so it's easier for others to read and appreciate your content. Generally, your word choices and pacing are pretty good: you've got a voice and a sense for how to tell stories, and with some cleanup on a presentation level you'd be fast approaching professional quality prose. So here are some notes on that:

* I think the word you're looking for for the section title is "Prologue": a Prologue is the section before the first chapter and an Epilogue is the section after the last chapter.

* Paragraphs should be separated by an empty line, like I'm doing in this comment. The more booklike alternative is to indent the first line of each paragaph, but that's not really possible in the 64D blog entry field. So even if it looks a little too spacey at first, I really recommend doing that as it greatly improves readability.

* Speaking of paragraphs, you generally want to start each new speaker's dialogue in its own new paragraph. Like so:

Quote:

"We don't have any one on the schedule to be moved today" the slender security guard said in a flat tone while shifting his weight from side to side tapping at his tablet.

"Scan the vat" the other guard said while pulling out his anti riot gun and taking a step back from them, "Let's see those hands guys" he continued in a seeming calm voice.

Edward heard the whisper of fear behind his command, the years of training for ops like this weeded out those with the same fear as this guy was showing.

* There are a bunch of spelling mistakes that your browser or word processor's spellchecker should have picked up. There are also a bunch that wouldn't have.

* You've got various grammatical errors, including comma splices and dangling participles. If you'd like, I can go through and point out each one.

The way I see it, you just need to fix the easy stuff. Keep writing, I look forward to reading more!

Littlebear 7 years, 10 months ago

@F1ak3r thank you for tanking the time to read and give me allot of feedback! I would like to take you up on your offer and ask you to point out the grammatical errors as I suck with this stuff in general.

I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue and very embarrassed about the spelling mistakes. Are you still working on "I Hunger"? Do you write as well?

F1ak3r 7 years, 10 months ago

Quote:
thank you for tanking the time to read and give me allot of feedback! I would like to take you up on your offer and ask you to point out the grammatical errors as I suck with this stuff in general.
Sure, always happy to see and help out a fellow writer! Will get back to you with this as soon as I can.

Quote:
Are you still working on "I Hunger"? Do you write as well?
Sort of to the first and yes to the second.

After porting "I Hunger" over to its new engine, I've pretty much let it languish while chasing other, shinier projects. I still do plan to sit down and finish it off at some stage, just as soon as I run out of other stuff to do.

I've been writing short stories since I was a kid and have made a few attempts at novels. I hope to actually finish my latest one someday, but it's been in the works for a long time and gone through many restarts. Some of my more recent short stories are here, on my main site, if you'd like to check them out (comment & critique always welcome).