Remember: The Girl

Posted by Seleney on April 29, 2012, 5:07 a.m.

Here's something I wrote for fun. It's a bit bare but I think it will be episodic. Hope you like it:

They told him his name was Brey Danum. They told him he had been in close proximity to an explosion. They told him he had amnesia. He accepted all of this; how could he not? The only thing he could remember we the face of a girl. There was no name attached to the memory, just the feeling of importance.

It was not hopeless however; the doctors want to try him on a new treatment. This apparently involved some new drug and the attentions of a psychologist…

Remember: The Girl

“These pills contain a mixture of dopamine, endorphins and a few other chemicals of the brain designed to force your brain to relax but also try to stimulate your memories. However, they won’t be enough on their own; it will take work from the two of us as well to succeed. You must try to do exactly as I say.â€?

Brey sat and listened. He didn’t even bother to ask about dopamine and what chemicals were- there was no point. He would never be caught up with the rest of the world if this didn’t work. There was too much he didn’t remember.

“What are the side effects?â€? he queried, remembering a commercial he had seen earlier that day.

“Oh they are not too bad: headaches, nosebleeds, dizziness, possible abnormal mood swings, oh yeah and possibly suicidal thoughts. If you experience any of these things you have to tell me immediately.â€? Did he just wink?

“Okay, so how’s this going to work?â€?

“Well, you’ll take the pills and, after letting the effects set in for about 15 minutes, I’ll have you clear your mind. You’ll remain like that for a bit until you are almost in a trance-like state. Then I will ask a question that will hopefully trigger your memories.

They will not all come back at once, mind you, but one at a time. I must warn you, it will not be easy: you’ll relive each of these starting with the most recent. Also, unfortunately, you won’t regain your memories, just those with emotional significance.â€?

“Will I relive pain as well?â€?

“From our previous studies, you’ll experience the emotions and possibly pain, yes, but not your thoughts at the time.â€?

“What? Why won’t I know my own thoughts?â€?

“Well, our best guess is that, because you’ll be re-experiencing these memories after having them go dormant, the brain develops a mental fog to protect itself. You’ll still be thinking for yourself during these experiences, but you won’t be controlling yourself. You’ll be more like a passenger along for the ride. If, on top of your current thoughts, you also experienced your past self’s thoughts, then your brain would, for lack of a better word, short-circuit. It would be immensely mentally damaging and would probably lead to mental instability.â€?

“I seeâ€? though he didn’t really. “When do we start?â€?

“We can try the first session now if you’d like. Just swallow this pill.â€? Brey looked at the little pink pill that had been handed to him. Welp, I suppose suicide wouldn’t be too much worse than what I am now. He popped the pill in his mouth and swallowed.

“Okay, your file says here that all you can remember is the face of a girl. When you start to feel the effects I want you to clear your mind and picture her.â€?

Brey closed his eyes and lay back on the sofa. He soon found his head swimming and opened his eyes to nod at the doctor. At least there is no nose bleed.

“Ready? Clear your mind and as I said, picture her face.â€?

Brey stared at the white wall and let the world fall away. It was not that difficult considering he couldn’t recall much about the world. The girl’s face rose easily to the surface of his mind….

He was flying down a hall. His body seemed to be moving of its own accord. He felt his legs stiffen as they slowed his sprint. His arm reached out and twisted a doorknob as his body slammed into the door. The door flew out of his hand and he burst into the room.

On the other side of the room stood a man and the woman from his memory. Brey ran his eyes over the two of them and froze… the man was holding a vest of explosives that was strapped to the woman’s chest. The woman’s eyes grew as she caught sight of who burst through the door. Oh God!

“No Brey, please don’t!â€? the pain was apparent in her voice.

Brey felt an intake of breath, “Get the fuck away from her, bastard!â€?

Anger distorted the man’s features, “How dare you. You will not touch her.â€? The man let go of the girl and sprinted at Brey and tackled him. Brey hit the floor hard and threw up his elbow to hit the man in the face as he fell on top. He then brought up his knee into the man’s crotch and rolled out of the way. Damn, a guard.

A glance around the room told him that during the impact the bomb trigger had flown out of wherever it had been hidden and skidded across the floor and out the door. He dove for it just as the man came to the same realization.

Both of their hands collided with the trigger at the same time. Brey felt the button shift under his hand. Shit, no!

He glanced at the girl’s scared face through the door, “I’m sorry, Haily.â€? With a bright flash Brey felt his body fly back and hit the wall behind him. Pain arched through his body and his head hit the wall. All was black.


Cesque 12 years ago

It's readable but I'm not blown away ;)

Unless you're trying to be Cormac McCarthy, you should probably throw in more punctuation where it's expected. Especially in "Get the fuck away from her bastard!"

Also, the conversation with the doctor isn't very realistic in the first place, and since he doesn't sound like an actual doctor, it's even harder to buy. "Chemicals of the brain", really?

firestormx 12 years ago

Get the fuck away from her bastard!
Or else her bastard will kill you! :o

There's a few spelling mistakes that popping it into Word or something ought to fix. I'm not a big fiction reader anymore, and I don't write anything myself, so I can't really critique it. Also, the story itself seems scifi-ish, and I'm not a fan of scifi, so I didn't really like it too much.

I did read it though! Also, I thought you didn't swear.

Alert Games 12 years ago

If LAR games makes a dramatic reading of this, I will listen to it as an audioblog.

firestormx 12 years ago

If LAR made a dramatic reading of Shenanay's writings on buildings and bats I would listen to it. On repeat. At full volume.

And I don't even like buildings!

(I don't mean that in an insulting way about your writing though!)

Seleney 12 years ago

Hey, never said it was perfect yet and I am personally terrible at editing (hence the spelling and punctuation errors). Sorry about that.

it's even harder to buy. "Chemicals of the brain", really?
How much do you explain to someone who clearly knows nothing of the brain? Also very few doctors sound the same so I'm not sure if I would change anything about the dialogue there. but I can adjust punctuation. Honestly, as Firestorm pointed out, I don't cuss much if at all, so I'm not really sure where to punctuate ^_^

Also, I thought you didn't swear.
Was I the one swearing? : P I do believe it was a very angry man who was not libel to say "Get the cream cheese away from her you jerk." It just doesn't sound right.

Castypher 12 years ago

Oh my god, you said fuck.






I'll comment after reading.

Seleney 12 years ago

O_O maybe I should change it to cream cheese…

pounce4evur 12 years ago

Oh god this storyline has so much potential. I hope you'll keep going on this.

To me, your language almost sounds too proper, and it makes the reading a little bit awkward. There are natural pauses, and a push-and-pull feeling in the timing when two people have a conversation in real life, hence the commas and punctuations. Also, replace a couple of your "I will"s with a little bit of "I'll"s and you should be alright.

When I first started writing, I sat in a bustling middle school cafeteria and listened to the way people talk. I listened for the rhythm, the style, the language, the subtle things that people do in speaking that doesn't quite make it over into the writing world. I also read up on books with a lot of dialogue in them, like Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. Studying the way people talk (and of course reading as much as you can) will give you a more natural flow of writing, and I think that's really all you need at this point.

And please please please pleeeaaasssee continue this story? <3

(edited in response to Kilin's comment)

You know what? Go watch Fight Club, then immediately after watch Lucky Number Slevin. That'll teach you a thing or two about cursing. It sounds stupid but do it.

Castypher 12 years ago

I find cursing very appropriate in writing. Because as you said, censoring it would kill the realism. "Dangit, my girlfriend was eaten by a wolf. Aw, crap."

Anyway, the only problems I can find are just punctuation issues. And…


Oh yeah, and the lack of contractions. The dialogue sounds very robotic as-is.

But other than that, the wording is nice, the plot is interesting. Sounds like a great way to start a story. With questions and action. Good work. Now I want to post one. =|

Seleney 12 years ago

your language almost sounds too proper
Oh I see. That's funny, I think I can blame my thesis writing for the formal-ness lol; throughout they year my adviser kept hounding me for being too conversational in my writing. I will try and get back to that. I'll edit soon and make a note so you can see if it is better.