Moikle's pondering and musings

Posted by Moikle on Dec. 29, 2013, 7:13 p.m.

Emoblog warning

I have come a long way in the last 2 years. I used to be a bit of a train wreck, failing at my courses, shy, afraid that people were judging me all the time, so I would just hide in the corner telling myself that they didn't want to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to them.

But now I am fairly confident about my physical appearance, I found 3d modelling which I really enjoy, (yet for some reason still procrastinate from) I go out to pubs clubs and parties fairly often, make a point of introducing myself to people, smiles, eye contact, dancing about, talking to/kissing girls, having a good time and generally being more human. I even started trying to help out one of my closest friends who was also always shy with low self esteem. Managed to get him to come out to a few parties and talk to people.

I feel like I should be over the moon with the way my life is at the moment, and I tell people I am, but for some reason I don't really feel much happier.

I think a lot about my own mind. I am constantly trying to understand what makes myself tick. I have been thinking about all of my current problems, thoughts and feelings, and I have managed to find one root cause for pretty much all the big things I am not happy about in my life. The common denominator.

I just don't care.

Like, about anything.

It is the reason I can't focus on my work, the reason I can't enjoy my hobbies, of motivate myself to work on projects. It is one of the main reasons my last relationship failed, and the reason I back away from any future ones as soon as things get interesting. I don't keep up with my best friends who have moved to universities, I make new acquaintances, mingle well at parties, but then I don't keep in touch with the people I met at them at all. I suck at conversation beyond small talk (which I hate) because I don't care about what either myself or the other party has to say. It has even caused me to not really enjoy video games anymore.

And yes, I put off my F4D entry. Badly.

I don't like talking to people about this, because it feels like I would be passing it off as an excuse for my laziness. But I don't want to be lazy, I want to put hard work into things, and get things done so I don't have to nag myself about them constantly. I want to be able to enjoy video games, trips to the pub, reddit and tv etc and not just use them as a distraction from the work that needs to be done.

I don't really know where I am going with this blog, I just wanted to say something to someone and I feel like the partial anonymity of talking to people on the internet who you have never met in real life kind of reduces the feeling of weakness and vulnerability that I get from letting people in.

Comments

Unaligned 10 years, 5 months ago

Well… This hits rather close to home. I can't say anything that'd ease the matter since I find it's difficult to find motivation to get out of bed every morning (seriously it's so warm and fuzzy and great compared to everything else), aside from the ever-original "you're not alone".

Quote: Moikle
I am constantly trying to understand what makes myself tick
This. So much.

Moikle 10 years, 5 months ago

acknowledgement is pretty good, this was a vent really, I don't expect it to actually solve anything

Unaligned 10 years, 5 months ago

Misery loves company etc. Shit, this reminds me of that south park episode

Moikle 10 years, 5 months ago

shit… that episode

fucking onions

there is not much that makes me all emotional, but that last scene physically hurts

Toast 10 years, 5 months ago

be strong, fight hard, live like a windrammer as you fuck

Seleney 10 years, 5 months ago

I feel you Moikle. Though I've never completely not cared, sometime I feel like everything around is just dull and exhausting. Like I'm waiting for my life to reach the next apex before it picks up again. I have to remember the things I do care about to keep me going. My friends mostly.

MMOnologueguy 10 years, 5 months ago

Quote: unaligned
I can't say anything that'd ease the matter since I find it's difficult to find motivation to get out of bed every morning (seriously it's so warm and fuzzy and great compared to everything else), aside from the ever-original "you're not alone".

Have you tried switching to some kind of terrible bed that you can never wait to get out in the morning however bad you know your day is going to be?

Moikle 10 years, 5 months ago

toast, I never take a shit if I don't have to