A coin flip away from death

Posted by Kenon on March 23, 2012, 11:48 p.m.

I was there yesterday (Or technically, Thursday, March 22nd, 2012). A mere coin flip away from death, or at least serious injury.

So here I am last night, around 10:00 pm. I'm at a 20 foot drop. Enough to at least injure me, maybe kill me depending on how I land. Entirely on depressive impulse.

The fall including from the banister comes out to around 20 feet, and no way could I make the fall clean

It comes down to the story of a month. A month of intense self-criticism, a few ups, and an intense week of solitude and loneliness compounding these thoughts. Now I have a lot to be stressed with. My school performance was faltering due to me missing classes like mad. My other half of my life, my Team Fortress 2 competitive obsession was becoming unhealthy, to the point where I expected near impossibly good results from me to feel satisfied with my play. (I can recall saying at least once on stream *AUGH WHY CAN'T I MAINTAIN AN 8 KDR AS PYRO*). My distance from home was great. I am being straddled with loans. I'm too afraid to ask my professors for letters of recommendation. I don't even know if I want to do university life. I'm single and have been for ages. I can't honestly tell if I look attractive or not. My sister has a kid. The list goes on.

So yesterday, I had a mental breakdown- anger focused - when I couldn't prioritize my life to put academics above things that I consider more meaningless, and the fact that I can bomb a test and feel completely relaxed, but when I underperform in TF2, I feel intensely down. I was pissed at myself to the point where any remnants at the time of me dying were shattered: I was too unworthy of death in that moment. I didn't deserve to commit suicide I told myself. I should pace the earth with immortality in depression rather than gain the blessings of death. It gave me enough energy to get back to my room.

When I got back to my room I went to stream TF2. My team captain then contacted me and told me that I was on official leave due to me leaving a scrim earlier in the week. To be back on the team I'd have to conform to certain ideologues that I knew I couldn't conform to. It was a lose-lose situation for me. Mid stream. In public. I chose the only choice that made sense. Quit the team. I couldn't stand either choice. It was living hell for me to do either, especially since I had planned that week to even shoot me out of a depressive state with an intense emotional gain from the guaranteed victory I figured we had.

I didn't react initially. My mind was blank. I was having a mental breakdown again, but nearly the opposite of the one a mere hour or so earlier. It was one of sadness. An after into having it, my stream stopped working. My stream was the only thing keeping me attached to my computer, so I took a coin, told a friend my plan, and then went on to the drop zone. Initially I had wanted it to be a larger drop off a larger building but I was called to that courtyard drop. It's one of my favorite spots on campus, after all.

The coin I was carrying fell while I was walking up some steps into the double layered courtyard. IT landed tails initially. At this point I had decided the coin flip would be: heads-I jump; tails-I don't. It was deadset into my mind and nothing else.

I got next to the edge, near a little table, and flipped the coin. It landed on my knuckles. It was tails.

This is the coin that decided my fate

Needless to say I was a WRECK after this. I felt disgusted and terrible. Sleeping was easy that night. It was horrendous to have to think that I made the decision to trust myself to something that has worse odds than Russian Roulette.

The next morning I woke up and nearly immediately went to the Counseling and Mental Health Services. I think I got there at 10 am. I had a test at 2 pm. I nearly missed it. I also went back after the test and talked for 30 more minutes. That's how long I spent talking to counselors without an appointment. That's a fairly long time. They don't want me to spend this weekend alone and so I have told a few people about what I did. My roommate being one of them. He's kinda my watching eye right now. Well, to be honest he's doing a bad job but I'm not dogging him, I'm ok at the moment. But the impulse still exists. I'm not going higher than the first floor of any building I'm in aside from my dorm complex. I'm not taking any chances. I may be hospitalized in worst case scenario. In general I understand where my counselors come from. They want me to not be alone this weekend. Ever. Always be with someone. I get it. I'm trying that.

If you want to know, I have 4 appointments next week, one not listed here.

If I forgot a piece of this I'll mention it in the comments later. Kenon, OUT! Also alive.


JuurianChi 12 years, 3 months ago

Man, that sounds rough. But I totally know how you feel- Academia constantly feels like something you "have" to be good at, but It's not everything. I hope the counseling goes well.

MMOnologueguy 12 years, 3 months ago

Jumping off a building? And only 20 feet? Sounds like a painful way to die. You're in college; there's no way you don't know someone who can get you some heroin to overdose on. Oh, and stay away from sleeping pills, they're a lot more painful and a lot less lethal than most people think. Shooting yourself in the temple is supposed to be a pretty reliable method too, only takes a small fraction of a second, so there's basically probably no pain. Or you could go out in some badass way, like, douse yourself in gasoline, light a match, and run into the stock exchange (the fire would probably hurt, so again, you should get some heroin).

YYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah, this is what I usually say when people talk about suicide. How I would do it. Some of them are pretty good ideas though, right? RIGHT?

colseed 12 years, 3 months ago

Well at least you're alive. And getting help.

Death can be kinda tricky in the sense it's generally permanent. Also I like my 64digits members alive personally.

EDIT: MMORPGguy would make best therapist

LoserHands 12 years, 3 months ago

Gun to the temple? I thought it was the gun to the back of the mouth that you don't experience?

MMOnologueguy 12 years, 3 months ago

Usually when you shoot yourself in the back of the mouth you miss the brain entirely and bleed to death, which takes a lot longer and presumably hurts more.

colseed 12 years, 3 months ago

^ …that

if the bullet doesn't hit the spinal cord spot-on, excruciating slow death follows

alternatively, firing a bullet through the roof of the mouth such that it exits the top of the head would be much more effective

how the heck do i know this

Cesar 12 years, 3 months ago

I still think Carbon Monoxide poisoning is the easiest, most painless way to die.


michaelwalker 12 years, 3 months ago

My name is Buck, and I'm here to Fuck.

swimming fins

Rob 12 years, 3 months ago

I would say something mean, but I think I'll refrain from doing that.

Rob 12 years, 3 months ago

Why a 20 foot drop anyways? If you're gonna do it, do it from a much higher drop. You'd probably have to land head first on the 20 foot drop for it to approach lethal.