I was there yesterday (Or technically, Thursday, March 22nd, 2012). A mere coin flip away from death, or at least serious injury.

So here I am last night, around 10:00 pm. I'm at a 20 foot drop. Enough to at least injure me, maybe kill me depending on how I land. Entirely on depressive impulse.

It comes down to the story of a month. A month of intense self-criticism, a few ups, and an intense week of solitude and loneliness compounding these thoughts. Now I have a lot to be stressed with. My school performance was faltering due to me missing classes like mad. My other half of my life, my Team Fortress 2 competitive obsession was becoming unhealthy, to the point where I expected near impossibly good results from me to feel satisfied with my play. (I can recall saying at least once on stream *AUGH WHY CAN'T I MAINTAIN AN 8 KDR AS PYRO*). My distance from home was great. I am being straddled with loans. I'm too afraid to ask my professors for letters of recommendation. I don't even know if I want to do university life. I'm single and have been for ages. I can't honestly tell if I look attractive or not. My sister has a kid. The list goes on.

So yesterday, I had a mental breakdown- anger focused - when I couldn't prioritize my life to put academics above things that I consider more meaningless, and the fact that I can bomb a test and feel completely relaxed, but when I underperform in TF2, I feel intensely down. I was pissed at myself to the point where any remnants at the time of me dying were shattered: I was too unworthy of death in that moment. I didn't deserve to commit suicide I told myself. I should pace the earth with immortality in depression rather than gain the blessings of death. It gave me enough energy to get back to my room.

When I got back to my room I went to stream TF2. My team captain then contacted me and told me that I was on official leave due to me leaving a scrim earlier in the week. To be back on the team I'd have to conform to certain ideologues that I knew I couldn't conform to. It was a lose-lose situation for me. Mid stream. In public. I chose the only choice that made sense. Quit the team. I couldn't stand either choice. It was living hell for me to do either, especially since I had planned that week to even shoot me out of a depressive state with an intense emotional gain from the guaranteed victory I figured we had.

I didn't react initially. My mind was blank. I was having a mental breakdown again, but nearly the opposite of the one a mere hour or so earlier. It was one of sadness. An after into having it, my stream stopped working. My stream was the only thing keeping me attached to my computer, so I took a coin, told a friend my plan, and then went on to the drop zone. Initially I had wanted it to be a larger drop off a larger building but I was called to that courtyard drop. It's one of my favorite spots on campus, after all.

The coin I was carrying fell while I was walking up some steps into the double layered courtyard. IT landed tails initially. At this point I had decided the coin flip would be: heads-I jump; tails-I don't. It was deadset into my mind and nothing else.

I got next to the edge, near a little table, and flipped the coin. It landed on my knuckles. It was tails.

Needless to say I was a WRECK after this. I felt disgusted and terrible. Sleeping was easy that night. It was horrendous to have to think that I made the decision to trust myself to something that has worse odds than Russian Roulette.

The next morning I woke up and nearly immediately went to the Counseling and Mental Health Services. I think I got there at 10 am. I had a test at 2 pm. I nearly missed it. I also went back after the test and talked for 30 more minutes. That's how long I spent talking to counselors without an appointment. That's a fairly long time. They don't want me to spend this weekend alone and so I have told a few people about what I did. My roommate being one of them. He's kinda my watching eye right now. Well, to be honest he's doing a bad job but I'm not dogging him, I'm ok at the moment. But the impulse still exists. I'm not going higher than the first floor of any building I'm in aside from my dorm complex. I'm not taking any chances. I may be hospitalized in worst case scenario. In general I understand where my counselors come from. They want me to not be alone this weekend. Ever. Always be with someone. I get it. I'm trying that.

If I forgot a piece of this I'll mention it in the comments later. Kenon, OUT! Also alive.