64Digits

Rambling and burnt.

Posted by NeutralReiddHotel on Nov. 16, 2017, 3:32 p.m.

im excited for this break coming up from school. ill get to work on cursed black again. i drew a doodle of Lavander Town yesterday during one of my study breaks, and i suck as an artist but the idea of finishing my game makes me feel complete.

my girlfriend and i have been good lately. she's been really patient at me grinding out hours of studying and i know she wants us to spend time together instead, as would I, but she hasn't given me any issues like one of my past girlfriends did during study time.

i get to go to my hometown tomorrow! after class me and my girlfriend are taking a long trip down there to visit my mom for her birthday, and we'll be hanging out with my friend down there as well, so that will be fun just out of default of getting out of the house.

its definitely a good thing to grow up. just spending hours playing games in front of a TV is fun because there's a sense of gratification by finishing a task, especially a hard one, but ultimately it does dick for life. actually celebrating my mom's birthday, visiting the town i grew up in, hanging out with old friends… much more rewarding, especially in the long run, even if they don't continuously tell me i'm doing a good job like my video games do.

the melee scene seems to be dying a little bit… definitely not as big as it was when the Melee Documentary came out a few years ago, but the game is still fun. i wish i could go to a tournament soon and maybe soon i will, who knows.

here, have some screenshots…

none of these are new… i haven't worked on anything since school started. but this is the fourth rewrite that i did begin this year, so not bad considering 8 months of passive work. i would have to drop everything to finish this very quickly, which i am not willing to do unless i start earning a salary… unlikely for a copyrighted game.

just showing these to tell you guys, i still want to finish this game. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears later LOL

blah blah blah blah blah burned. who cares about the following:

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. I haven't got her a gift… dunno what to get her besides money which i do not have as i have been unemployed for about a month now… for the 3rd time this past year. I'll tell ya, living off savings is depressing… there's nothing to replace it.

But this is about her… she's not my favorite person. we're not best friends or anything but she's helped me out a lot and i feel like i owe her. i'm gonna drive down to my hometown to visit her and… i don't have a gift for her since i'm so poor. maybe a drawing? i suck at drawing.

im in anatomy now. i just finished two exams, one anatomy, one immunology, and I have a quiz tomorrow. i did my classic cramming for immunology, which i'm not proud of but necessary to get a good score in anatomy and get myself another job while I wait for the EMT thing to go through. even though i took a few breaks and stayed off facebook/reddit to strictly grind out 9 hours of studying for immunology… i got a B at best and i'm pretty burned out. not to mention… i already went over this part of lecture in anatomy and i could care less about this teacher's lecture habits. this is what i get for going to a "public" university… an unstimulating teacher.

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I feel you on this one. I'm at that point as well where I have a decent job, I do decent work, but why put any effort into going beyond that?

Personally, I've concluded that I would be too bored not to. I've taken it as a challenge to go beyond the minimum standard informally set by my friends and relatives. So long as there no harm, no foul at the end of the day whether I meet that challenge or not. Some days its easy, and others I question why I'm even doing it. But at the end of the day I remember why I am doing it and just remind myself to keep in mind the end goal.

I don't think "important" is the best way to look at it, although admittedly I have looked at it this way in the past. I think a positive contributor is a better outlook though because it works on any level. You can be considered important to many people but eventually it'll be exposed if you are really beneficial to everyone else. Its really up to the individual.

Just keep on keepin on man

thanks man… my own philosphy is i would feel guilty about collecting that paycheck if i don't put it what i think i should, which is sadly way more than what other people have told themselves to do. will keep on keeping LOL, i like that.

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You're important to her.

I read that when you posted it. immediately, really. i wasn't sure what to say to that because of my own self-esteem bullshit. but yea, you're right. i've noticed i'm very important to her. time to not take that for granted

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Buy yourself a chocolate cake.

Other things are awards on their own.

If you have nice clothes, mission accomplished.

i've been paying attention to this, cuz i have been rewarding myself this semester. didn't really noticed i HAD been told that, but i do appreciate you said it cuz maybe it was the last straw to break my back and break my mentality that i shouldn't reward myself, because now i do. fuck, i earned it!

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Congratulations. Arguing (especially with strangers) is a massive waste of time, energy and good mood.

You won't make them agree with you.

If you want to support the cause, arguing with random people will not help it.

if i don't agree with someone, ill stay reserved. which i don't like to do, i actually like to talk, but like you said, it doesn't get much done to argue. and i'm sure as shit not gonna start faking what i say and bend them to be lies to get along with people.. that's even worse. end result is i just hate where i am. which… that's exactly what's happening.

i have no cause to support, i just have opinions for which i don't voice because most people are cowards these days anyway, including myself.

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Uh, I think it's not. If you have internet, food and clean water, pretty sure it's a 1st world problem.

LOL, thanks for catching that. i felt silly when i read it

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Disclaimer: I'm like level 2 at life, have no idea how things work, never went to school, also I'm antisocial. Hope I didn't ruin your mood. Have a good day.

you didn't… no way man lol. thanks for the input

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Why does it matter if you're important to somebody? As long as you're important to you, nothing else really matters.

Accept yourself and others will start to accept you. See your flaws, work on them constantly. Grow, be better. Make the man that hits the bed better than the one that arose from it. Have a goal to be happy and do everything you can to fulfill it.

but it does. i am social… it matters to an extent. if i'm hated by literally everybody, you'll see me jumping off a cliff. i'm not… i like to think the people that talk to me don't hate me, and actually care for me. it gives me peace of mind if i'm around people i hate all day that there is that one person out there that doesn't, and actually is happy to see me. gladly, that's my position right now.

i'm working on my flaws as much as i can. my jealosy, my cowardace, my laziness and lack of goals. even my goals are not as specific as they can be, and i try to come up with ways to make my goals more archivable, like for my career, i signed up for a networking opportunity next month to make it more likely to get my job. having a job i like going to… as brief as that period was, made me happy. i'm going to get there again.

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honestly don't have a job, nor a girlfriend… And like you, I want to be important. I want to be respected. I want to have some sort of "profile." But, I don't know how to achieve this… You, on the other hand, code games. You are well known throughout the 64Digits community.

Give yourself a pat on the back and accept yourself.

I do, sometimes. i just try to not make a habit of it. especially when its time to be critical and grow… how will i get better if it's OK to be a lazy fuck?

but i appreciate the input… i got put into perspective with your comment cuz i forgot where i was 10 years ago… just sitting there on MSN chat trying desperately to talk to the old veterans of this site only to be ignored cuz i wasn't part of the cool kids… plus i was really annoying LOL, i know this.

Comments

Requiem 6 years, 5 months ago

Wow, you've hung onto your game project as long as I used to do with mine, haha.

Your field of study always struck me as a pretty tough one - I can relate to the problem with instructors, though. I had some uninteresting or downright incomprehensible ones in my university days.

Having a job is nice, and having one you enjoy is awesome. (That's how I sometimes justify staying in my current one, anyway!) Searching for one can get stressful, though - try not to get burnt out like I almost did, you seem to have a lot on your plate as is. The networking thing seems like a good idea!

I used to have no goals, and could never imagine a future for myself. I do hope you haven't fallen into that kind of headspace.

Cesar 6 years, 4 months ago

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Well, the impression you made last time was that it mattered to you that you didn't consider yourself as important to anyone. What I wanted to get across was that it really doesn't matter if you're important to anyone right now because what's a higher priority is that you're important to yourself. Once you've got that down, you'll become more important to other people naturally.

Nevertheless, my best advice for overcoming those flaws would be to focus on the most important of them all, the "lack of goals." I really think if you focus on that one, everything else will fall into place as you'll be able to develop a strategy. What I did to make massive change in my personality was to establish different levels of goals. Currently, I have five tiers of goal: Ultimate goals, major goals, middle goals, minor goals, immediate goals. The higher the tier, the more abstract the goal. Conversely, the lower the tier, the more exact the goal. So my ultimate goal is pretty simple, it's to live a happy life. Brutally difficult to achieve, extremely abstract since it has zero specifics. My major goals, serve this ultimate goal and have a little more definition. My own major goals are to complete a PhD, to have my own family, and to have great friends. These goals have more definition, but they're still very abstract and have no specifics to them. Thus, I have middle goals to help complete these. Let's take my third major goal, "to have great friends" and figure what my middle goals for it are. So there's a few prerequisites to have these great friends, so my middle goals are "be a good judge of character," "be a good friend," "be social enough to find potential friends."

I don't want to miss the forest for the trees since I suppose you've gathered the gist of this strategy of mine, but in general the lower tiers serve the upper tiers, the lower tiers are more well defined and exact (with immediate goals being excruciatingly defined) while the upper tiers are much more flexible and abstract. This gives me both the comfort of switching strategies to achieve those high tier goals, and the discipline in achieving the lower tier goals.

As for your field of study, I found medical imaging research to be fascinating and I sorely miss it. Look into doing some research that you're interested in at your school, it was extremely rewarding for me.