64Digits

Posted by abbeyminor on April 26, 2013, 10:40 p.m.

Anita's glossy eyes came to focus on the red umbrella held by a man standing on the far side of the street. She wondered which bus he was waiting for and where he was headed. Wherever it was, she hoped he would be able to escape the cruel, flippant spring weather of the Midwest. She wished she could join him.

A cup of coffee had been placed in front of her several minutes ago and was beginning to lose its warmth. She used what little it had left to offer to thaw her fingers, pressing her palms against the mug's black ceramic surface. Polished fingernails the color of rubies offered a bit of contrast to the bleak weather and the dark mug. A sad smile reached her lips when she met her reflection's gaze in the shop's front window. The small reservoirs behind her eyes threatened to overflow, she noticed, so she blinked the drops away. She stared, dazed by the falling rain and the tired look in her own face. he studied this girl who was, to her, only vaguely familiar.

The whipped cream floating on the surface of the coffee had begun to melt, and she brought to mug to her lips to sip the first sweet layer away.

The coffee was now cold.

Comments

mr8bit 11 years ago

You looking for constructive criticism, or were you just sharing?

abbeyminor 11 years ago

eh, both?

F1ak3r 11 years ago

Quote: Caught a typo

~~he studied this girl who was, to her, only vaguely familiar.~~

Flash fiction is one of my very favourite things. This was a nice little vignette – I thought the near-crying bit was a little melodramatic and out of place in the more subtle emotions of the rest of the piece, but otherwise I think you succeeded in creating a definite atmosphere and feeling. Thank you for writing.

abbeyminor 11 years ago

Thanks for catching that typo– the "s" key on my keyboard has been sticking ever since my cat spilled Rockstar all over it -_-

I know what you mean about the sort-of-crying. Without that part, though, she seems more defeated and cold and deflated to me. I was going for more of a distraught-hurt-less-than-hopeful. :)

DesertFox 11 years ago

You definitely know how to end flash fiction in a way that captures a feeling.

eagly 11 years ago

I liked it a lot, but there was a little moment that broke the imagery a little bit.

Quote:

She used what little it had left to offer to thaw her fingers, pressing her palms against the mug's black ceramic surface. Polished fingernails the color of rubies offered a bit of contrast to the bleak weather and the dark mug.

I think one of those should be changed for something else. :)

abbeyminor 11 years ago

Desertfox, thanks!! I pride myself on effective diction :)

eagly, thank you for pointing that out! I hate when people do that and I didn't even notice!

Acid 11 years ago

I think you should post more of your stuff here. It's all fantastic.

abbeyminor 11 years ago

Awww, thanks <3

maybe I'll post that one from high school that was essentially about myself and Alexis.

flash fiction.

Comments