there's something almost maddeningly satisfying about coming back to something that you're used to, you know. nostalgia is great. this dark text box, however, is not great. of course, that's just all part of the user experience, so i'm going to go ahead and change this to white with the chrome developer tools...
anyways, i haven't been here in... what feels like years now. i know i sporadically will post a blog here every now and then, and I do intend to keep that habit up, but, what's the meaning of it all anyways? i started out merely as a gamer, coming to this community of such heady indviduals... and you want to know what the greatest part of it al? I can't remember any of it. Seems that after I'm done typing this bullshit manifesto out, I'm going to go and read everything I ever wrote here, because I'd love to see how I gradually spun out and became more insane as time went by.
Anyways. Let's do a checkin. You may know me as MahFreenAmeh. But nowadays, I use the moniker just oz. typically i only write in lower case because i'm lazy and holding down that damn shift button is just so difficult when you're oi didn dxm. at that, i don't get why people just tap the caps lock key, type a letter, then tap it again. I've seen that happen, and it literally makes 0 sense to me. but then again, a lot of what i do doesn't make sense to others, and that's okay. sometimes i choose to follow grammatical constructs and form proper sentences, etc... i don't know, i don't want to get too meta on that part.
i've become far more of a musician than i ever though i would have been. music is the only thing that makes sense to me some days. i find myself sitting around and joking that i'm trying to be the next john zorn, because i just have this almost enthrallment to inspiration and creativity... new soundclouds: http://soundcloud.com/ozshaman http://soundcloud.com/syzygy-antithesis
as i recall, i am quite well known for my walls of text, so this should not be any change. i used to be labeled a pseudointellectual, and i can see why that happened. you know that phrase, fake it till you make it? that's what i used to do. i remember when i first came here and posted and attracted so much flak from sleepinjohnnyfish (or whatever the name was).... it was quite humorous, to think about it. I was an annoying, straightedge pedantic little kid.
But then I turned 18 and I found the real world and... well, now you have what is before you. An addict. A musician. A programmer. A Human.
i can't tell you how much i enjoy doing dxm,or really any drug that i can get my hands on. i'm not going to suggest that anyone ever try what i do... but it's almost as if they don't understand. 'oh oz, you're addicted to dxm'. bullshit. you know what i'm addicted to?? the feeling of being altered. the feeling of being not here.
yeah they don't exactly have a twelve step for that now do they
yes i am sure that you don't
remember how hope floats
or how i floated downstream
to your front door, it seems
that your sense of meaning
is sincerely lacking, condemning
my soul to eternal wondering
my heart is thundering
i wonder where you are
i wonder where i am.
i do not make any sense, some people say; to those people, i say that i make plenty of cents. in fact, i make 3250 cents every hour, give or take a few and taxes that get withdrawn out of that as well (which reminds me fuck taxes tbh they turn my 2500 pay check into a 2000 paycheck) but either way i ramble and go off on tangents when the real issue is that i just spend too much money way too often and then all the money disappears and when it disappears, i can't get gas, i can't get cannabis, i can't get tobacco, i can't get dxm, i can't get diphenhydramine, i can't get food, i can't get much of anything other than a very inconsistent dose of reality that i think as of yet i o/d on every time it hits me (could you imagine such a thrill)
but like various substances, i am very much consuming my own self, becoming enraptued within the hours and the minutes and the weeks and the days, the years all seem to run together but even if they did run together it wouldn't matter for the illusion of time is perhaps the greatest delusion of grandeur ever experienced by any one species (except the one that may have made a t rex feel immortal, if that's not just in my head and was a real thing) or any species yet to come but then again who is to say that we are the apex simians? an evolutionary ladder keeps descending (ascending if you must) towards more and more complex forms of life, so it seems natural to think that in 50,000 years we will have evolved away our need to use the restroom, and instead there will be no waste material because everything is all gone and oh by the way the humans are dead.
i am hosted in my own mind the relevance party of a lifetime the hosting is not going away
it has been a day and a year and possibly even a month since i have had any semblane of existence but i still remember that there are words that are yet to be said
and i am still caught in my own head, hoping that i will escape at some point, but even escape is not a necessity, only a nice bit of equity that i have up until now lived without.
there is no catch up to be done this time. everything is exactly the same except different. i came.