Ferret
Ferret
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Just your average 64Digitier! :D

Joined on January 26, 2007, 1:40 AM Visited on June 28, 2018, 11:07 PM
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Ferret posted on December 19, 2017 at 11:31 PM

The Annual Blog

It's that time of the year again, I go back to my parents house and get those feelings that remind me about this web site. And I got to thinking about how I should write another blog, and I want to talk about something that I've talked about before but always danced around it.

It's that little thing that a majority of 64Digits members seem to have gone through, or still are going through.

Let's talk about....

DEPRESSION





I was watching Bojack Horseman, a pretty good show btw, and this part hit me like a brick wall. Years back I took my first big hiatus from 64Digits, and at the same time I stepped further away from friends. I hated just about everything about myself, and felt like my presence was only being tolerated; like I was a problem I was forcing onto others. I thought maybe I needed to "focus on myself" or do some "soul searching" or whatever flavor of "fucking off" you want to call it.

I had this beautiful dream in my mind where I would come back with the answers, like I would no longer be sad. I found some universal reason as to why I was so messed up and my story would speak directly to everyone hearts and help people with their own problems. Maybe not so exaggerated, but I really thought I could fix myself and have something meaningful to share at the very least.

Instead it was the wrong thing to do.

I've already explained this part and lamented the fact back when I made the return. Those were probably the golden years of this site (in my opinion at least) when the user-base was decently sized and just about everyone participated.

The truth is it won't go away at all nearly that fast. It takes some acceptance, accepting who you are, and playing the best you can with the cards you got.

Note (Show)
I don't want the following to sound like a solo-it-was-all-me thing, when I first decided to do this I went to see a therapist, it really helped me learn what was helpful and what wasn't. (Like how being near friends was actually a positive thing in my life. Oops.) If you are depressed and have the means to do it, and you probably do, see a therapist.
I long ago decided, while laying on railroad tracks, that if I were to kill myself I would at least like to know what would happen to me if I were to live. And that kept me going to a long time, living life purely for curious observation, it no longer mattered what happened to me. Succeed or fail, I was living the life I would live if I had not died. (I honestly don't know how to break down that last sentence in a way that makes sense. It was like I did die, and my life became a Night Before Christmas scenario.)

Then that curiosity transitioned from passive observation to active participation. I don't know when this happened, it was slow, but eventually I wanted to know what would happen if I truly tried for the first time in god knows how many years.

I'm good now. Not great, but I am getting there. I don't have that dream video game job I probably over glorified in my head, I was far too late to actually try. Which is fine, that's how the cards fell. Maybe one day I'll get there, but right now I have a solid job and I'm kicking ass and getting recognition.

However I played my cards before is in the past, for now I'm going to keep playing the game to the best of my ability.

So live curiously, and don't focus on what others think. You won't know what will happen until you try. It helped me, maybe it will help you.

Ferret posted on December 13, 2016 at 8:37 AM

Birthday

Birthday blog!

Birthday blog.

Birthday.

Blog.

.

So some time ago I was going to write a blog titled Climbing Out of the Rabbit Hole, and while I like the title, the blog was so serious. Too serious. I'm tired of serious.

It doesn't help that the topic was pretty serious too, *waves arms in the air* the clash between life expectations and reality *ghost noises* WooOOooOOoo...

Basically I spent almost 6 months out of college with no job, I would mostly be rejected interviews. When I did get an interview, about half the time I would get a second interview. Sometimes the interviews were bullshit (*cough* amazon), sometimes I would just completely fuck it up and not have a good answer, and sometimes I would fucking nail it... only to hear that they went with someone else and oh man you were so close please try again in 8 months when you are dead.

But none of those miserable months matter anymore because *trumpets* BAW B-B-b-BUAM! Ferret is officially employed! That's right ladies and gentlemen, employed, with a salary, 401k, and benefits! Yeah. Woo.

Can't help but feel a small string after trying so many companies I wanted to work for. I ain't going to be working in vidya games like I mused about last blog. I did try, I thought I did well enough, turns out I don't know a lot about something I haven't done much of. WHO WOULDA THUNK.

Honestly though, I'm excited for my job, it pays well, they are paying for my move and more, and now I get to live my own life and focus on what I want. Also this Ferret is moving to Austin Texas! Smell ya later Cyrus! (In all seriousness Cyrus, you got a couch you can sleep on in Austin anytime now, please visit me)
Oh and bye LARGames, who lives like 20 minutes away from me but I've never met. :P

Melancholy blog.

Once I get my first paycheck I'll buy GM:Studio and be a proper game mod again!

Hugs and kisses.

But mostly kisses.

Ferret posted on March 01, 2016 at 6:56 PM

I'm a big doo doo head

It's the final stretch for me, one more semester until I graduate and I really start to do adulty things. Put on my adulty pants and get in my adulty car and work an adulty job.

You would think that with only one more semester left I would be hunkering down and giving this semester all I got. At least I would have thought that, but instead I'm checked out. It's kind of hard to be motivated when you've been doing meaningless work for so many years and all you can think about is how different your life will be in a few months.

I loved school at some point, which was weird because I hated everything about highschool, but I loved college work for a a good while. Now it feels like I'm just running through the motions and it all feels rather meaningless.

Never been more busy though, there are a lot of projects I am working on both academic and personal, but unlike any other time in my life there is a real ticking timer with real consequences when the hand stops ticking.

On top of my projects, I've been trying to find work before that timer ends. Maybe setting myself up for failure since so many people tell me work is hard to find after college. Well, people say that, but I got a job offer to work for General Motors in Phoenix Arizona back in December. I turned it down though, mainly because I really want to go back to Los Angeles (my home) and I have no gauge on the type of work I can acquire. Also would rather not melt in the summer.

I'm taking any interview I can get mainly just to practice them, even if I know I would turn down the job (as dumb as that sounds). One of these interviews got me invited to a 2-day hiring event down in Tuscon Arizona. I'm honestly just excited to have a hotel paid for me and 2 days of just being treated by a large company. The company itself and the job they would give me inspires a lukewarm feeling about it all. They're called Raytheon, a "defense" contractor, which means missiles, aka flying explodey boomy death sticks. Not sure how I should feel about the idea of programming those.

-/-
I think I'm going to commit to the idea of trying to get a job at a game company. I've had retarded feelings on the matter pretty much all my life, associating people that say they "want to work in games" with the assumption that they never have picked up a piece of code in their life, they would like to be the "ideas guy" and really have no conception of what it means to actually make a game. I hold on the idea that game developers are really fucking smart (and they are truly) and I would hate to naively think I could do the work they do. I guess that's were the problem lies, I set this huge hurdle in my mind about who can and can't be a game developer, and I've always set it above myself.

I'll try to fix that.