Ferret
Ferret
Posts

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Just your average 64Digitier! :D

Joined on January 26, 2007, 1:40 AM Visited on November 14, 2018, 4:52 AM
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Ferret posted on September 02, 2018 at 10:08 PM

It ain't so bad

It's just really freakin hot here in Texas.

My job isn't exciting, but it pays well and I'm getting good experience. Some of my coworkers make me look so damn good.

I still get to program projects in my free time. I'm learning the Unreal Engine!

No one can stop me from eating an entire pizza. No one.

I'm joining meet up groups to make friends in my area. Networking yo.

This shit is way better than high school.

I just wish it wasn't so FUCKING HOT.

Ferret posted on December 19, 2017 at 11:31 PM

The Annual Blog

It's that time of the year again, I go back to my parents house and get those feelings that remind me about this web site. And I got to thinking about how I should write another blog, and I want to talk about something that I've talked about before but always danced around it.

It's that little thing that a majority of 64Digits members seem to have gone through, or still are going through.

Let's talk about....

DEPRESSION





I was watching Bojack Horseman, a pretty good show btw, and this part hit me like a brick wall. Years back I took my first big hiatus from 64Digits, and at the same time I stepped further away from friends. I hated just about everything about myself, and felt like my presence was only being tolerated; like I was a problem I was forcing onto others. I thought maybe I needed to "focus on myself" or do some "soul searching" or whatever flavor of "fucking off" you want to call it.

I had this beautiful dream in my mind where I would come back with the answers, like I would no longer be sad. I found some universal reason as to why I was so messed up and my story would speak directly to everyone hearts and help people with their own problems. Maybe not so exaggerated, but I really thought I could fix myself and have something meaningful to share at the very least.

Instead it was the wrong thing to do.

I've already explained this part and lamented the fact back when I made the return. Those were probably the golden years of this site (in my opinion at least) when the user-base was decently sized and just about everyone participated.

The truth is it won't go away at all nearly that fast. It takes some acceptance, accepting who you are, and playing the best you can with the cards you got.

Note (Show)
I don't want the following to sound like a solo-it-was-all-me thing, when I first decided to do this I went to see a therapist, it really helped me learn what was helpful and what wasn't. (Like how being near friends was actually a positive thing in my life. Oops.) If you are depressed and have the means to do it, and you probably do, see a therapist.
I long ago decided, while laying on railroad tracks, that if I were to kill myself I would at least like to know what would happen to me if I were to live. And that kept me going to a long time, living life purely for curious observation, it no longer mattered what happened to me. Succeed or fail, I was living the life I would live if I had not died. (I honestly don't know how to break down that last sentence in a way that makes sense. It was like I did die, and my life became a Night Before Christmas scenario.)

Then that curiosity transitioned from passive observation to active participation. I don't know when this happened, it was slow, but eventually I wanted to know what would happen if I truly tried for the first time in god knows how many years.

I'm good now. Not great, but I am getting there. I don't have that dream video game job I probably over glorified in my head, I was far too late to actually try. Which is fine, that's how the cards fell. Maybe one day I'll get there, but right now I have a solid job and I'm kicking ass and getting recognition.

However I played my cards before is in the past, for now I'm going to keep playing the game to the best of my ability.

So live curiously, and don't focus on what others think. You won't know what will happen until you try. It helped me, maybe it will help you.

Ferret posted on December 13, 2016 at 8:37 AM

Birthday

Birthday blog!

Birthday blog.

Birthday.

Blog.

.

So some time ago I was going to write a blog titled Climbing Out of the Rabbit Hole, and while I like the title, the blog was so serious. Too serious. I'm tired of serious.

It doesn't help that the topic was pretty serious too, *waves arms in the air* the clash between life expectations and reality *ghost noises* WooOOooOOoo...

Basically I spent almost 6 months out of college with no job, I would mostly be rejected interviews. When I did get an interview, about half the time I would get a second interview. Sometimes the interviews were bullshit (*cough* amazon), sometimes I would just completely fuck it up and not have a good answer, and sometimes I would fucking nail it... only to hear that they went with someone else and oh man you were so close please try again in 8 months when you are dead.

But none of those miserable months matter anymore because *trumpets* BAW B-B-b-BUAM! Ferret is officially employed! That's right ladies and gentlemen, employed, with a salary, 401k, and benefits! Yeah. Woo.

Can't help but feel a small string after trying so many companies I wanted to work for. I ain't going to be working in vidya games like I mused about last blog. I did try, I thought I did well enough, turns out I don't know a lot about something I haven't done much of. WHO WOULDA THUNK.

Honestly though, I'm excited for my job, it pays well, they are paying for my move and more, and now I get to live my own life and focus on what I want. Also this Ferret is moving to Austin Texas! Smell ya later Cyrus! (In all seriousness Cyrus, you got a couch you can sleep on in Austin anytime now, please visit me)
Oh and bye LARGames, who lives like 20 minutes away from me but I've never met. :P

Melancholy blog.

Once I get my first paycheck I'll buy GM:Studio and be a proper game mod again!

Hugs and kisses.

But mostly kisses.