What the Hell, Brain?

Posted by Moikle on Feb. 5, 2014, 9:52 a.m.

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

No swearing on the front page

God dammit brain, why can't you just pick an emotion and stick with it? Or at least give me a fucking reason for why you arbitrarily flip flop my feelings thoughts, personality and entire worldview every few months. I thought we were done with that whole puberty thing years ago.

It is like I have someone inside my head controlling my feelings and subconsious thoughts.

So I was feeling pretty good about myself from august up till the last week of December, I felt happy, socialised etc. asked two girls on dates (months apart I am no douchebag) I could look in the mirror and see one sexy bastard looking back at me. But then out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever, I started feeling that I was faking my happiness and confidence, that it was all a lie for the benefit of others. I started to lose interest in everything again, and my confidence and will to live gradually dropped. I felt nothing on Christmas, but kept my happy face on.

Remember this blog?

New years I went clubbing with Becky (one of my closest childhood friends) and spent the time wondering why I was there. I felt like shit when I got home

I went on a date with the second girl I asked out on jan the 17th. We had met a month before at a club, where we were kissing for 3 hours straight (admittedly both a little drunk). We had a super nice meal at a resturaunt I picked then walked along the river thames. We had some ok conversation and she said she wanted to meet again, but my self esteem was low and I wasn't really able to care enough to make any moves. At the end she noticed I had gone all quiet.

Over the rest of the month I kept getting worse and worse for no real reason two weeks felt like a year. I had work to do but I knew that if I tried I could have it done within a week, but it still felt like (and still does actually) a monumental task. I remember reading “depression part twoâ€? on hyperbole and a half, and feeling as if I could have written it myself. By the last couple of days of january I couldn't even move my arm enough to check my phone, let alone get out of bed, eat and wash myself. Eating required that I go downstairs, grab a bowl, pour cereal and milk in it, and then chew and swallow it. Each one of those things seemed like too much effort, and for what? So I could survive? Why was I trying to do that?

I wished I could just turn off my brain and let my body live out the rest of my life on autopilot, which I am starting to think I may have managed because according to the callendar, there are several days that I just cannot account for.

I started to think “Oh shit, this is bad, I need helpâ€?. But then on the 4th of February, I woke up feeling completely normal, again, for no reason whatsoever.

I am suddenly alright about everything and I don't know why.

Now I don't know what to think. Am I just lazy, and being melodramatic about it, and looking for a scapegoat?

Comments

svf 10 years, 4 months ago

:(

I know them feels man, but for the most part it's like everyday.

I've started terrible habits being in school and just being super stressed, I can't seem to figure out how to cut bad habits out either.

It's all about the matter of perception which is said a lot and seems very cliche, but it's the truth I guess.

Hope all goes better anyway.

Pirate-rob 10 years, 4 months ago

I usually think that there's no reason to be really depressed, unless death occurs. However not everyone is wired the same. But I still think everyone should try their hardest to keep themselves happy, otherwise life sucks and is boring and dull :P

Just my two cents, hope your mood stabilises to something nice.

firestormx 10 years, 4 months ago

Maybe you're a girl. You sound like a girl.

Cosine 10 years, 4 months ago

I definitely wouldn't call it being lazy or melodramatic. I think it's more of a symptom of not knowing how to feel. If your brain is anything like mine, being emotionally confused means picking whatever emotion comes to mind and feeling it a lot.

Sorry to hear you feel this way; it's tough. Hang in there!

Moikle 10 years, 4 months ago

I am watching that now Steve, it never really gets as extreme as it is shown in the video for me. I have never attempted or made plans for suicide, I don't normally ever get as bad as I did last week, I don't have any delusions (at least I don't think so, I am actually foggy about the definition of delusion) and I don't usually have any really high manic periods, but I do tend to make over ambitious goals. I do fit some of the things in the video, but it rarely ever gets extreme.

I don't really feel like I am in danger, just that I may end up wasting my life by not having any goals that I can achieve.

I also never really get the rage that is described in the part with the two teenagers. I just get a bit irritable sometimes

Moikle 10 years, 4 months ago

ah well thanks, I will keep it in mind if things ever get worse in the future