Posted on October 25, 2017 at 13:15
One of the greatest pains I was never told I'd experience was that of growing apart from someone. This person I once held so close to my heart is just another one of my friends, and while I will never forget or take their actions for granted... we just became different people. I strongly believe that the person I used to be is long dead, and as such I also believe that everyone that I used to know is also long dead. Just as growing out your hair, the change day-by-day may be imperceptibly small but it accumulates to the point where your once on-point haircut is now a messy jungle of long strands of unkempt keratin. My once friends, replaced by the new person inhabiting their body. This isn't to say that these changes are negative, but it is to say that my compatibility with them increasingly lay in my memories of a time long gone.
I think I still struggle with that from time to time. There are people I miss so very dearly, I miss our friendship and I miss all the time we would spend talking about our futures as if we had an inkling about the way things would turn out, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But for many of these, we just aren't compatible anymore. Whereas before hours would feel like minutes with them, now minutes feel like hours.
That's why I keep in touch with all the people I care about, and consistently make plans to go out with them or just text them to check up on them, but even that isn't fool-proof. Eventually, some people's paths in life will lead them far from my own path. All I can do is relish and enjoy them while they're strongly intertwined in my life to prevent the pain of regret when they're all but a distant memory.
I'm lucky to say that I have a huge amount of people that I can be proud to call my close friends (something that a decade ago, I would have thought was an impossibility), but I will not for one second pretend that any of them can be replaced. The pain of loss will be felt no matter how many loved ones I may have in the future, and their words and actions are forever carved into my heart, even the ones who have betrayed me. And I honestly hope it never get any less painful.
Something I felt like writing as this weekend I realized my once-best friend is nothing more but a distant friend now. She helped me through so many difficult situations in my life and I'll always be incredibly appreciative of her for all that she's done for me, but we just aren't compatible anymore and while that may hurt like a bitch, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't regret anything, and if anything it's just unfortunate that life has pushed us in different directions.